X Factor: Mah verdict on show 7 & results

First of all - oh my fucking God, I hate Cheryl Cole so much! The smug cunt showed her rough side on Saturday night's show, making a personal attack on Wagner - who DARED to say she was anything other than the most talented and most beautiful woman in Britain to a journalist. It was inappropriate, unprofessional and a blatant attempt to get Wagner sent home. I thought he defended himself beautifully and showed her up for the nasty, egotistical funt she is. GO ON DE WAG! I have to say, one great thing about being in Scandinavia was not seeing Cheryl Cole's face on any newspapers or magazines; she truly is the scourge of the British Isles.

Anyway, as far as fashion goes, Cheryl was as gaudy as ever in what looked like an ice-skating costume (though her tits didn't look as strangled as last week), while Dannii was borderline dowdy in a brown, Grecian gown. Seriously ladies, what are you paid for?

On to the performances: Matt kicked things off with an uncharacteristically upbeat and raunchy performance of Come Together. His voice sounded a bit strange at the beginning of the song - like he had something caught in his throat - but I think he was putting a growl to his voice to sound extra manly and virile. He didn't look that comfortable but he sounded well and it was nice to hear his lower register and see him get out of his comfort zone. I thought he looked good in his vest but personally I wish he had more neck.

It was a good start to the show and a good move for him in the competition because it showed that he isn't a male Rebecca, who can only stand and sing ballads.

Also, I was DELIGHTED when the crowd booed Simon after he tried to rain on Matt's parade and forced him to shut up. Simon's being an absolute shithead this series - he's talking crap and I've no respect for him or his opinions anymore. I wish him and Cheryl would fuck off to America so we could be done with them.

Cher - First of all, how ugly and chavvy did she look in that Grazia photo shoot?

I think there's something really ugly and Cheryl-esque about Cher's soul. She's got no respect and she's as fake and arrogant as they come. I thought Imagine was a terrible song choice - she obviously doesn't give a fuck about world peace and it was a cynical attempt to show her non-existent sweet and innocent side. It was an insincere, self-indulgent performance and her Mariah Carey-style vocal decorations completely didn't suit the song.

I was delighted it was announced that she was in the bottom two. I wish Louis had brought it to deadlock - even if Paije had gotten the fewest votes, it would have given her more of a scare and knocked some more cockiness out of her.

1 Direction - The backing track seemed a bit loud and Harry's voice was a bit weak, but nonetheless, 1 Direction have a winning formula. I love how they now have an order in which they stand, with Harry in the middle, Liam to his right, Niall to his left, and Louis and Zain the two tone-deaf book-ends.

It was a great, Glee-style arrangement of the song but it wasn't their best performance and Liam should have sang more.

Good, but I'd like to see more polish and greater cohesion in the group when they're performing.

Rebecca - ANOTHER. FUCKING. BALLAD. I kind of hate her... I dread her dreary performances just as much as I dread Katie's desperate ones. I can't comprehend how boring her album would be. I imagine it would be put in the section where you find whale sounds CDs...

I was happy that she got some negative feedback this week (it's been a looong time coming!). When she put her nervousness down to having to walk in her performance when she usually just stands, I was speechless - she is an anti-star.

Beyond beige - for me it was the worst performance of the night.

Mary - She was vocally secure and very much 'in' the performance but I thought it sounded dated and her presentation was a bit cheesy. I also wish she'd sing with more dynamics - she has a tendency to sing fortissimo the whole way through a song. (Well, she is "a big woman who loves to have big songs beltin' out of 'er"!)

I was happy that she got a big cheer and the judges were all complimentary towards her.

It wasn't quite as magical as her first two performances, but it was close.

Paije - Poor Paije! I thought it was not only his best performance in the competition but also the best performance of the night. Oh well, we all know the X Factor is about having a gimmick or an emotional hook and Paije was drama-free.

He was confident and controlled in the beginning of the song and his voice sounded rich in his lower register. It was a great vocal, even if he did get a bit sloppy near the end.

He was never going to win the competition but he deserved to stick around for another couple of weeks at least :(

Wagner - He is growing on me. I thought he gave the quote of the series when he said, "When you are singing, you enter another dimension which has only beauty" in his VT.

I LOL'd at Louis's head-bopping at the beginning of the song. I thought Wagner looked great in his Sergeant Pepper jacket and I loved the Austin Powers-like campness of the performance. What a gas man!

I honestly preferred him to all three of Cheryl's girls this week. Wagner is, at least, entertaining. I hope Cheryl's attack has boosted his popularity - if anyone needs to be put in their place, it's her.

Katie - I nearly choked when I saw her new hair. My brother (who doesn't follow X Factor) remarked that she looked like a "doll that had been burned a bit", and I must say, he was spot on! I think it was mostly to do with her clumped eyelashes. Her sack dress made her look like an orphan from Annie while the haircut made her look, dare I say it, a bit special needs.

In fairness to her, she sounded better than she has in weeks but it was a desperate, overly self-aware performance and I didn't enjoy it.

My dream bottom two would have been her and Rebecca, but hopefully she'll get the boot next week. At this stage she's like a rabid dog that needs to be shot.

And that brings my X Factor recap to an end! My favourites were 1) Paije, 2) Matt and 3) 1 Direction. As far as Sunday night's performances are concerned, I thought that Olly Murs was mediocre and his song was awful. (2002 called - it wants its sound back!).

Hope you enjoyed reading this!

xoxo, Robinita ;)

Super quick recap of last week's X Factor and my Simon Cowell-Katie Waissel conspiracy theory

Okay, so first of all, sorry for fecking off to Scandinavia without giving anyone a heads up! As fate would have it, I went away just before the most shambolic elimination of the series (so far). When I got the news that Katie had survived her fourth sing-off, I filled up with white hot anger; I had been led to believe that there would be a double elimination last week (by heatworld.com, the lying bastards) so I had thought Katie would be voted off and that Mary or Wagner would go with her. I am surprised that Aiden left the competition so early - I had thought he would place fifth or sixth overall and that his looks would have kept him out of the bottom two for a few more weeks. But alas, he is no more.

One of the first things I did when I got home from Oslo, was look up Aiden and Katie's sing-off performances. I thought Aiden gave a stirring rendition of Crowded House's Don't Dream It's Over and definitely didn't deserve to go after it. Meanwhile Katie sang I'd Rather Go Blind: part four and managed to stay standing for the entire song this time (seriously, how many near-identical, sing-off songs has she in reserve?)

As far as performances go, I thought that 1 Direction were the best. It was great to hear Harry sing - I've decided that he's the Robbie of the group and Liam's the Gary. Something About The Way You Look Tonight was a great song choice and it was a full-on, 90's-boyband, Christmas-number-one-sounding rendition of it. It was, to borrow an X Factor cliché, absolutely on the money. I also love love LOVED the black and white clips of them turning towards the camera in slow-motion; it was so gloriously, unashamedly boybandish!

I wasn't wowed by any of the other performances, though. Cher gave a competent but joyless performance of Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word/Mocking Bird, reverting to type with another mash-up, complete with rapping and hip-hop arm movements. Paije and Matt were both fine, if a bit off their game, while Aiden and Rebecca gave okay but boring performances. Mary was confident but sounded like a pub singer. Her rendition of Can You Feel De Love Tonight left me cold and, not bein' bad, bu' I t'ink she needs elocution lessons...

Wagner started off quite well with I'm Still Standing but things took a turn for the worst when he switched to singing The Circle of Life. I don't understand why certain acts always sing mash-ups this series - do their mentors think viewers don't have long enough attention spans to listen to the same song for two minutes? However, as farcical as Wagner's performance was, it wasn't quite as bad as Desperation Personified singing Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting. The song exposed Katie's vocal shortcomings (although with her small voice and small range, anything bigger than Baa Baa Black Sheep would reveal her vocal inadequacies). It was a losing performance and she should have been sent home after it.

Anyway, on to my theory why Katie Waissel is hanging on like a dried shite on a cow's arse. My theory is that Simon Cowell is keeping Katie in the competition because she is a no-hoper who poses no threat to his act and because while she is in the competition, the media will focus on her instead of boosting the profiles of other acts such as Cher and Matt who could potentially win the show.

Firstly, I don't believe Simon could actually like Katie; she is the type of act he would ordinarily decimate. With her kooky image and her musical pretensions the contestant who was most like her was Storm Lee - a person for whom Simon had nothing but contempt and to whom he dealt a fatal blow in the first live show by dubbing him a 'failed rockstar'.

Secondly, more than any other series, Simon has been the puppetmaster of this year's X Factor. He has been doing whatever he can to get his own way - criticising good acts while praising weak ones, and bigging up Katie Waissel despite her weak voice, her image problem, her identity crisis and the fact that the public and the press never have and never will like her. He gave John Adeleye the kiss of death when he talked about dogs mating instead of commenting on his singing (which was very good), while he has avoided critiquing Katie's last three weak performances; choosing instead to repeat the same old shite about how he likes her because she's 'fun' and 'different'. It's as if he thinks that by saying these things enough times, viewers will start thinking they are true. But is Simon so arrogant that he actually believes he can make the public like Katie? If so Katie Waissel is his 'fetch' because she is NOT going to happen. By keeping her in, he is not only damaging the show, he is ruining her chance of a career in the entertainment industry, as well as her life.

However, Simon's scheming could easily backfire on him, because while the majority of the public would have rathered Treyc stayed in the competition after Katie's third sing-off, Treyc was dull and no one really cared about her. With Aiden, however, it is a different story. He had real appeal and real fans and that he got sent home before Katie and Wagner is unjust and it has hurt the show. That an act should get to perform in four sing-offs is bad enough, but for an act to survive their fourth sing-off is insulting to the viewers. It is as if their votes count for nothing.

If the public turn on Cowell for not listening to them, as they should, his connection with 1 Direction could hurt their chances of winning. Ironically, 1 Direction deserve to win the competition and would have had a great chance of doing so without Cowell's foul play.

For me, this is the only explanation why Simon Cowell would push someone like Katie Waissel. It's possible that she is giving sexual favours but, while I have no doubt that she would drop to her knees in a split second if she thought it would further her career, I don't see why Simon would want her sucking him off when he already has Cheryl for that.

Anyhoo, that brings my mini recap of show 6 and my X Factor conspiracy theory to an end. I can't imagine Katie not being in the bottom two this Sunday and I can't imagine her surviving a sixth sing-off (though I didn't think she'd survive her third or her fourth).

I hope to God there's a double elimination and she gets the lowest votes - I don't know if I could handle I'd Rather Go Blind: part five...

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 5 & results

First of all, it wasn't a good show on Saturday. Matt had the only great performance of the night; Cher, Mary and Katie were all disappointing, while Rebecca and Treyc gave predictable performances. Meanwhile, Paije was better than usual and 1 Direction were, as always, a breath of fresh air .

Secondly, HOLY GOD! What an exciting sing-off! Yet again, Wagner escaped the bottom two and after Dermot called out his name, he kissed Louis and beamed out at the booing audience, looking like the cat who had gotten the cream (that tasted all the better because he didn’t deserve it). I was happy for Mary when Dermot announced she was the last act who was definitely through to next week. I hope that gave her the kick up the arse she needed. Anyhoo, on to the sing-off - how has Katie been saved for a third time?! I don’t think that has ever happened before on the show. I’d say Simon and Louis voted to keep Katie in the competition because she gets a lot of press and the show would be a lot less interesting for the tabloids if this year’s ‘villain’ was knocked out so early. (According to Now Magazine, she is 'stalking' Matt and she is allegedly bullying Cher, 1 Direction and even her mentor Cheryl!). However, it’s clear that they’ve only delayed the inevitable; the public clearly don’t like Katie and it would be taking the piss if the judges saved her for a fourth time. Personally, I feel very sorry for the girl. Every time she’s in the bottom two it seems to take an awful toll on her and I imagine she’ll leave this show a very damaged person. I would have liked her to be sent home for her own sake – she clearly wants fame but I think her appearance on the show has destroyed any chance she had of having a successful singing career. Her desperation makes me very uncomfortable and I think she badly needs to re-think her life and where she is heading in it. (This concludes the Dr.Phil-style section of this post).

In the style war between Cheryl and Dannii, there was no stand-out winner on Saturday night; Cheryl’s hair and make-up were nice, but I wasn’t a fan of her hairband, while Dannii looked fine but a bit harsh in my opinion. The heavy eyeliner made her eyes look piercing and cold. The colour of her dress was nice but it washed her out a little. I liked the shiny satin material but I thought the giant bow detail was a bit twee. Sunday was a better night for Cheryl; I thought she looked really well in her nude off-the-shoulder dress, and her hair and make-up were refreshingly understated. It’s easy to forget that Chezza is a natural beauty. Meanwhile, Dannii’s Sunday night dress was a black, shoulderless, non-event (albeit, a beautifully fitted non-event) but her hair and make-up were both lovely.

Anyhoo, on to the performances…

Cher – A bit cheesy and embarrassing. The quarter-pipe on stage with dancers on BMX’s was all a bit much, and everything from the set, to the styling, to the actions of Cher and the dancers was very try-hard and horrifically wiggerish. I agree with Simon that it was a copycat performance. However, she did look better than usual – her hair was thankfully more compact than it's been in a while and whoever painted on her eyebrows deserves a medal. But brows aside, it was a big step down from last week.

Also on Saturday night’s Xtra Factor (yes, I am that sad I watched it) she was such a freak! She acted like she was Jay-Z (or some other arsehole rap superstar) and didn't make eye-contact with Konnie Huq, like she's above talking to her. When Konnie asked her how she felt about Simon Cowell's critical comments, she just nodded her head and looked off into space, with her jaw clenched and her hands in her pockets and then in a creepy, slow, American-sounding voice she said, "I think I needed a kick up the buuuuut." There is something Aiden-esque about her weirdness - like she has ADD or something... Anyway, to cut a long story short, she's a shit bitch!

Mary – Very disappointing. She was shaky from the first note and she had problems with timing and diction. I thought it was hilarious when she sang the word strength with the most pronounced ‘t’ sound at the end and not the smallest hint of a ‘h’. She needs to knock it out of the park next week or she won’t make the top 6, never mind the final show.

Katie – For me the worst performance of the night. She couldn’t reach all of the notes and it’s not even a challenging song. Styling was strange. Did she (finally) get her roots done or was it a wig? Why was there a clip of her in a silk dressing gown with mascara running down her face? Katie’s a mess of a person – she seems to have no idea of who she is. She wants fame but it seems that she is willing to pay any price to get it. Like, I can definitely see her selling her soul to the Devil or spreading her legs at a casting couch.

Aiden – Not as bad as his rendition of Thriller, but then the Holocaust wasn’t that bad. He was as spazzy as ever, though and he also sang a Sinéad O’Connor song on American Anthems week! I know it was written by Prince, but couldn’t he and Dannii have found a song that was more quintessentially American? The themes are constantly being disregarded this year – maybe they should stop having them. Vocally, he was fairly poor, but I liked his hair down and the fact he didn’t look as demonic as usual. I hated the ridiculously good comments he received. All in all, it was a fairly shit performance, but he's done worse.

Paije – Good song choice. The Monkee’s I’m A Believer and Outkast’s Hey Ya mixed well and while I’m a bit sick of mash-ups on the show (thanks to Cher and Wagner), I liked it. That said, he did cock up the lyrics of Hey Ya! While it was his best performance to date, I still don’t think Paije is a star. Even though he’s a nice guy, his personality is bland and one-dimensional and I don’t believe that he wants to win as much as some of the other acts. Also, him pretending to be straight on Xtra Factor was very cringey. Like, I had never really thought about his sexuality before but the second he said that the best thing about America was “fast food, fast cars and fast women” I knew that he was 100% gay.

Rebecca – Boring. She looked well in her shiny, silver gown but, yet again, she stood still throughout her performance and looked like an Oscar statuette. It was an unimaginative song choice, especially as Make You Feel My Love was already sung on this series by Anastasia "I'm going to take my shoes off and sing from my heart" Baker on her first audition. Rebecca’s like Leona Lewis – ie. dull as ditchwater - but without her jaw-dropping vocal range. She is also, without a doubt, this year’s most over-praised contestant. No one ever mentions that she’s a one-trick pony and a poor performer. They talk her up like she’s going to be this year’s winner, but with a personality that bland she’s going to finish third at best.

Wagner – Better than usual and not the worst of the night. I actually didn’t think he deserved to go this week and I would rather have sat through his performance a second time than have sat through Katie’s or Aiden’s (maybe even Mary’s, for that matter).

Matt – I will take points away because he sang The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face at boot camp, but regardless, it was a stunning performance and easily the best of the night. When I heard the story behind why he sang The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, my heart melted and I feel like I understand Matt now. He’s a lovely guy, he’s just shy.

Treyc – It was her best performance since Whole Lotta Love but she shouldn’t sing ballads because, quite simply, she has no emotions.

I was surprised, but not sad, to see her go tonight. The little bitch should have listened to Dannii instead of giving her back attitude.

1 Direction – A little bit messy, but Liam’s vocals were great as always and they embraced the theme of the night and ended the show on a good note. They’re a lovely bunch of lads – I want them to win! They’re loveable, handsome, fun and they’re the only act that has the whole package. 1 Direction FTW! They are, literally, the only act that I look forward to seeing this year. They make me smile like Jedward made me smile in the last series. (Also, my mam fancies Harry LOADS. She singles him out every time 1 Direction perform. “My God, every time I look at Harry he’s gotten better looking. Like, I know I should think it’s great that there are people my age on this show, but really you can’t beat the young ones and their looks.”)

My favourites this week were 1) Matt, 2) 1 Direction and 3) Paije. I want Katie out! She was so shit this week. If she is in the bottom two again next week she HAS to go.

Anyhoo, that's all I have to say about this week's X Factor. Oh yeah, Shayne Ward was meh but hot, and Kylie was a sexy bitch on Sunday night!

Xoxo, Robinita ;)

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 4 & results

First of all, this week's show was thankfully much, much better than last week's. Simon was in much better form, several acts upped their game and Louis didn't say anything excruciatingly gauche.

In terms of style, neither Dannii nor Cheryl looked great on Saturday. Cheryl had horrible, encrusted, Christmas bauble earrings, and her dress was the most hideous one she's worn so far this series. White here-are-my-boobs bustier: bad; netting: bad; pleated PVC skirt: BAD. It was also so short it was vulgar. In short, she couldn't have looked cheaper had she bought her entire outfit in Penneys with a budget of €30. That said, on Sunday she looked the best she has all series. Her deep violet top looked great with her bright pink satin skirt and her hair and make-up were both lovely. Meanwhile, the red dress Dannii wore on Saturday was fine but too bulky and her hair, while cool in itself, was too young for her and wasn't flattering. However, on Sunday she looked nothing short of incredible. Her hair, her make-up and her glittering, one-shouldered gown were all perfect - bravo!

Now on to the music. Mary opened the show and it was nice to see her get into the spirit of the week's theme by sporting red devil horns. The performance was a bit cheesy and dated but her vocals were good and fair play to her for getting out of her comfort zone and doing something up-tempo.

Aiden - ABSOLUTELY SHIT. He took a much-loved, dancefloor classic and sucked the life out of it. He's a one-trick pony who gives every song the same, dreary treatment. I'd say MJ was spinning in his grave - it was just fucking awful!

My least favourite performance of the night (not counting Wagner). Also, when he smiles, babies die.

Bella Amie - They looked well and I enjoyed it when they came out of the coffins, but despite the freaky costumes, it was a pedestrian performance.

A boring group that added nothing to the competition and that should have been voted off in week one. They shan't be missed.

Rebecca - There's no denying that she's improving but she's still not there. She lacks personality and presence; she was too shy to look at the crowd or make love to the camera and it let down her overall performance. Personally, I find her shyness irritating - she gets ridiculously positive comments from all four judges every week and she somehow still doesn't believe in herself. Every week, she says the same fucking thing about how she THINKS she's getting more confident and how she's STARTING to enjoy performing. Grr! Even Leona had more bite than this limp bitch.

That said, a very good vocal.

Matt - Boring. He does the same thing every week - picks a song for a high voice (usually by a female artist), gives it the Damien Rice, bleeding heart treatment and then finishes by going into his falsetto voice and wailing.

Though a good singer, I think he's limited and his personality is dull beyond belief. His vocal range and his biceps will probably take him to the finals, though.

Wagner - The definition of WTF. He looked like the phantom of the opera sans mask and he began his performance by 'singing' O Fortuna, but I really didn't give a shit. I'm fed of him and I'm pissed off at the idea of people voting for him to be ironic.

I was delighted when the crowd started booing when Dermot announced he was through to next week. If Jedward got booed then this pointless tool deserves to be booed too. (In the words of my mother, "What does he think he'll get out of doing this? He won't even get a Chico Time").

Paije - He's a nice guy and he's got a fairly good voice but Paije lacks a vital ingredient (I believe it's called the x factor...). The more demure look suited him but his performances are samey and he has an intrinsic mehness that makes me sometimes forget he's still in the competition.

Katie - A very Gaga-inspired look which I thought was incongruent with the kitschy song. I thought her voice was husky and weak and the performance was very similar to the one she gave last week (a song from a 1960s Disney film then a song from a 1960s TV show; dancers with saxophones at whom she shouted 'Come on, boys!' before giving a husky fake laugh; low-energy, Charleston-esque dancing).

A flimsy performance but not deserving of the bottom two. Hopefully, her and Cheryl will go back to the drawing board and opt for raw, emotive songs over kooky fluff.

1 Direction - They let Niall sing and he knocked his 'turn around's out of the park! I liked the red, eye make-up and I really enjoyed it when the beat kicked in at the chorus. I thought the song could have really 'gone off' and they could have done something really dramatic, like all dropped to their knees which would have made the performance properly amazing, but the vocals were good and, astonishingly, Zain's one line was completely in tune!

The second best performance of the night.

Cher - A very smart move and an excellent song choice. The vocal wasn't perfect but she emoted when she sang and she was the only act to move me this week with their performance. She reminded me of the Wicked Witch of the West and the lighting was dramatic and effective. The set was sparse and it was a refreshingly simple production for the usually 'more is more' performer.

I was glad she dropped her cocky front and showed some vulnerability and I hope she sings more and raps less in future. The best of the night.

(The quote of the evening came from my mother and was about Cher. "I'd say she had sex when she was ten. Y'know, she seems so ahead of her years. I'd say she was in the fields with the fellas...").

Oh, look at that - I forgot about Treyc. That says it all, really. I thought her vocals were screechy and her performance was forgettable. Also, the black lipstick was a mistake as it drew attention to her gums and gappy smile.

Who is this woman? Who, outside her family, would feel compelled to vote for her?

Okay, so there you have it - that was my recap of the this year's fourth live X Factor show. My favourites this week were 1) Cher and 2) One Direction, with honourable mentions going to Mary and Rebecca.

I hope two go next week, preferably Wagner and Treyc.

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 3 & results

Hey y'all - let's do this thing. Firstly, I'd like to say that I thought this week's show was SERIOUSLY boring. I wasn't genuinely entertained or moved once and after watching the show on Saturday, I felt apathetic towards all the contestants.

Louis talked pure shite all night and chose bad songs for each of his acts. I thought Wagner deserved to get the chop instead of John, but when you choose a non-song for a non-entity (albeit, a vocally talented non-entity), the result is not surprising.

In terms of the judges' style, I thought Dannii, yet again, outshone Cheryl in a beautiful, ultra marine gown that complimented her fair skin and blue eyes. Cheryl looked less chavvy than usual. Her dress was, for once, too long and while the nude pink colour washed her out, it made a welcome change from the black and/or metallic shades she usually opts for. Basically, she didn't look like a skanger on her debs night so that's a step in the right direction.

Anyway, Paije opened the show and while he sang well and performed a lot better than last week, there is still something missing. Simon was right for criticising his outfit - he was giving a mature, sombre rendition of his song and his clothing should have reflected that.

He just doesn't understand how to play the game; I mean, his grandmother died this week and he didn't even mention that in his VT? You're on the X Factor - this is no time for dignified mourning! Cry; tell us how you're granny was your biggest supporter and that you're singing for her tonight. When life gives you lemons you make lemonade; when life gives you tragedy whilst you're on the X Factor, you make sympathy soda.

Paije isn't savvy enough to survive in the competition. Like John, he has loser written on his forehead, and I predict he'll be out of the competition in two weeks' time.

John - Lovely smile, excellent voice. Crap, Q102 Love Zone song, stupid hair and too-tight trousers. John seems like a lovely guy and his vocal ability is undeniable but there's nothing interesting about him and he's too meek to be marketable.

Didn't deserve to go this week but he was always going to finish in the bottom half.

(His song was one of the few guilty pleasures of the night, but the emphasis should be on 'pleasure', Louis, you useless bastard).

Rebecca - Her voice sounded the best it has yet and there were no problems with tuning this week, but yet again, she didn't connect to the song or the audience and her styling was horrendous.

Her dress was a lurid, sweet-wrapper pink, and it was far too bulky, completely swamping her. Her hair and make-up were both straight off Jessica Rabbit and the look was Hallowe'en costume meets one of those dolls with the puffy dresses that are placed on top of the toilet roll.

Though her vocals were good technically, she didn't commit to the performance and she conveyed none of the emotion or the atmosphere of the sexy, seedy song.

This year's most overrated, overpraised contestant. Also, the song wasn't guilty pleasure.

Cher - SO EMBARRASSING! Honestly, I nearly melted with the cringiness of it all, especially when she busted her rhymes. ("Axe the people on my block, I'm as real as can be!" *sneers, grabs crotch*). Her third big production to a mash-up, it was like watching Jedward, except it was intended to be cool, not cheesy.

Styling-wise, I thought her big hair mocked her skeletal frame and the combination of heavy, child prostitute-esque make-up and casual, street clothes was strange.

As usual, she was brimming with confidence but I for one am getting tired of this snarling, wiggerette, one-trick pony.

Matt - Very good. His vocal range is amazing but I'd like to see him have fun for a change. Guilty Pleasure week should have been about having fun, but his rendition of Baby One More Time was predictably bleeding heart.

It was the best performance of the night, but it still didn't rock my world. Also, personality-wise, I find Matt quite lacking.

1Direction - Liam Payne's voice is amazing, and really mature for a 16-year-old. A very good song choice (Pink's underrated Nobody Knows) and it sounded well given the boyband treatment.

A big step up from last week and Zain sounded less bad than usual (though I think they should stop giving him solos altogether).

Treyc - Liked her weave - the plum underneath was cool and suited the rock chick image she had going on this week. It was a good song choice but Led Zeppelin isn't my idea of guilty pleasure. The vocals were impressive and it was easily her best performance so far.

Her personality even seemed better (ie. existent) this week, but in true X Factor style, her effort was repaid with being in the bottom two.

She outsung John in her performance and deserved to stay but the public are clearly indifferent to her and I predict she'll be leaving the competition in the next three weeks.

Mary - Again beautiful vocals, and her best look to date, but Mazza needs to mix it up. She should have taken Dannii's advice last week but instead she copped out and went for the safe option.

The crowd's reaction was a fraction of what it has been the past two weeks and deservedly so. She didn't fulfill the brief, and like it was a mash-up to much for Cher, it was a ballad too many for Mary.

I thought her response to being asked whether she would sing more contemporary songs showed a stubborness and unwillingness to try new things. Hopefully it was just a glitch for MaBy, but if she doesn't come out of her comfort zone next week, I'll be very disappointed.

Aiden - Mr Fucking Intense! I thought he lacked presence and the staging was bad - it was disconcerting the way he was raised above the audience and visually, everything was too busy and camouflaged in black attire, he was lost.

In terms of sound, his voice was only okay and his droning sounded Radiohead-esque at times (not a bad thing, but also not likely to go down well with the pleb viewers).

I'm with Cheryl - I would never go to his concert. Too disturbing and draining.

Bella Amie - Fairly bland. I wouldn't have been surprised if they had ended up in the bottom two but it seems that if you're in it one week that guarantees you a surge in votes the following week and assures your safety in the competition.

The tall (white) brunette is the star of the group.

They ripped off the Girls Aloud version of the song wholesale but they sang it adequately.

A slightly above average, school talent show performance.

Katie - She came across as quite likeable this week. She had fun and she looked softer and prettier than she usually does.

The song choice was refreshing and properly embraced the week's theme so she gets points for that. Also, to perform a song from The Jungle Book and not look like a total plonker is an achievement.

I know I left out Wagner but I've no idea when he performed. Anyway, I've very little to say about the man, except that he's a joke that's gone from wearing thin to wearing completely through. The king turd in a night of shit performances.

Anyhoo, that concludes this week's X Factor recap. I was irritated that only one went this week when there's still so many of them.

In relation to Sunday night's performances, I thought Michael Bublé was Michael Bublé and went through the motions in his usual inoffensive way. And as for Chezza, I think the song is shit and headache-inducing but her fierce bitch posturing has come along and it was her least embarrassing solo performance I've seen to date.

If I were to sum up this week's shows in one word, it would be 'underwhelming'.

Xoxo, Robinita

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 2 & results

Hey y'all! First of all, I would like to change my top three from last week. Upon re-watching last week's best performances, I decided that Aiden deserved the bronze medal after Matt and Mary and that 1 Direction were best runner-up. It probably only matters to me, but I wanted to clarify that.

Okay, so Saturday's show was a mixed bag; it started off on a weak note with Storm, Treyc and Paije all failing to bring it, but ended well with Katie, Mary and Matt all giving strong performances. It was a good week for Cher, John and Bella Amie, but quite a bad one for Aiden and Diva Fever who both took a step back from their performances last week.

On a fashion note, Cheryl's hair and lipstick were fucking awful on Saturday, while her look-at-my-boobs dress was almost as bad as the 'boob disc', silver and black monstrosity from last year. Looking at the mangey, purple plait she sported on Saturday night, I couldn't believe that she is allowed to have such horrible hair as a L'Oreal spokesperson. It looked weak, limp, lifeless, dull and strawlike to me... That said, the bog-standard, black cocktail dress she wore on Saturday was fine and her hair and make-up were much better on Saturday. Dannii looked miles better on both nights; I thought her look on Sunday was particularly nice.

Anyhoo, on to the performances.

Storm opened the show with a forgettable performance of Bruce Springsteen's Born To Run. I wasn't all that familiar with the song and thought that he alienated most people under the age of thirty with his song choice. His vocals were not as strong as usual and his desperation and nervousness showed through his rock star posturing.

To be perfectly honest, I find Storm to be quite a tragic, sad character and my heart broke when he said, "You haven't seen the best of me yet!", because that clearly IS the last we will ever see of him. While he's a nice person, I'm happy to see the back of him - he was a bit of a downer.

Treyc - Gave a highly self-indulgent and often screechy performance. I don't believe for one second that Treyc is shy - I just think she has no emotions. She murdered a great song (Prince's Purple Rain) and I would have loved her to get the boot but, alas, she lives to give another soulless, masturbatory performance.

She kind of freaks me out, to be honest. She comes across as a sociopath and if there was an X Factor killing, I feel like she'd be the one doing the stabbing.

Paije - Breathy and messy. I thought he was off from the beginning and the crazy, gospel wailing at the end didn't save the performance. Not nearly as good as last week; disappointing stuff. (On a separate note, my mam wanted him to go because she 'doesn't like looking at fat people'.)

1 Direction - The backing track was insanely loud! The song suited them but the tempo seemed too fast for them and the performance was all over the place with particularly rocky vocals from Zain.

Worse than last week but they've got the aww factor and considering Lloyd Daniels made the top 5 last year, I predict this teen juggernaut will run on for some time.

Cher - For me, the show really began with her performance. Every element of her performance was better than last week; her voice sounded quite pretty in the singing sections and her rapping was far more intelligible.

I still think she's a bit of a one trick pony, but at least she's mastering that trick!

John - This performance made me want to get to know him. He's a natural, authentic performer and I thought he sounded great; there's a lovely, Lionel Richie-esque timbre to his voice.

Raw and real and one of the best of the night. (Now he just needs a sob story...).

Diva Fever - They had to go. There were just two silly gays bopping around to a silly, gay song. They were the weakest element of the performance with the backing singers and scantily-clad dancers both giving it socks and showing up DF as the average 'mos they are.

The decent-looking, decent singer should lose the ugly, tone-deaf spare. (Harsh enough?).

Rebecca - SO OVERRATED! The make-up wasn't her; her voice is constantly going out of tune and she doesn't look comfortable on stage. I couldn't disagree with Louis more; I think Rebecca has no star quality whatsoever, and I find her personality irritating rather than endearing. Either get some confidence and stop being so meek or pick a different career!

I think her appeal lies largely in her softly-spoken, Liverpudlian accent.

One of my least favourite performances of the night.

Aiden - Spazzy and the vocals were shaky throughout. I found him painful to watch and not much better to listen to. He comes across as quite unstable and troubled after his performance. I worry for him.

After Treyc, the next most likely to commit an X Factor killing.

Wagner - I felt like the song went on for ages. Quite repetitive, but there's no denying that he's gas with a capital 'g'.

Was happy enough that he survived the public vote. Am intrigued as to what he and Louis have in store for us next week...

Katie - Much better than last week. The genre suited her husky, soulful voice and her image was vastly improved.

Not quite incredible, but a huge improvement. Now that she's proven her place in the competition, I want her to stop acting so penitently. You'd swear she killed somebody from the way she's been behaving. I want a happy medium between swanning about with feather eye-lashes and a lace parasol and an ex-con, repaying her dues to society.

Bella Amie - Wow! I was expecting them to be absolutely shit after their performance last week but they sounded much better and they exhibited a confidence I didn't know they had.

That said, they were the freaks of the week as far as their outfits were concerned.

Image is all important for girl bands and if they're going to stay in the competition they'll need to up their style.

Performance-wise, I thought they were better than 1 Direction.

Mary - WHAT A WOMAN! The best of the night. An expressive and authentic performance. From the first note, I knew that it was going to be a great vocal. Her voice was so powerful and secure that it put most of the other performers to shame (not least of all, Katy Perry. Oh snap!).

The reception from the studio audience was rapturous; she gave Cheryl Cole (and yours truly) head-to-toe chills and, for the first time, I feel like Mary could win the competition.

She's just fuckin' great!

Matt - Is Bruno Mars his musical hero? He didn't stick to the theme of the show but that doesn't really matter. His performance was good but not quite as good as last week and not as good as Mary's. He experienced a few pitch problems throughout the song and if he did hit that high C, it didn't take my breath away.

That said, he has a great voice and he emotes when he sings. However, I wonder whether some of his power is in his hat and maybe that's why he was slightly off? I thought he looked better without it, though.

In short, very good but not Mary good.

That wraps up my recap of the second live show and results show. I was quite surprised by how much changed in a week; Aiden and Paije both fucked up quite badly this week while Katie and John proved themselves to be contenders.

My top three of the night are 1. Mary, 2. John and 3. Matt, with notable mentions to Katie and Cher for stepping up their game.

And... that's about it!

Oh yeah, and Diana Vickers doesn't have the figure to wear a leotard.

Xoxo, Robinita ;)

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 1 & results

Well, holy God - that was a marathon first show! Lasting two and a half hours and featuring sixteen acts, it was more like the Eurovision than an X Factor live show. Personally, I didn't think the talent was so amazing this year that they had to let more people in but it did let the judges who did a bad job of picking their top threes (Dannii and Cheryl) to somewhat right their wrongs.

Alas, there was n’ere a sign (or even a mention) of Gamu, so it’s looking likely that she actually will be deported. Poor girl – if the people of Britain had a choice, they definitely would have picked Katie to be booted off and banished to Zimbabwe instead of her. There’s just no justice in the world…

Anyhoo, so now I’m going to run through all sixteen acts, category by category and give you my opinions on how each one fared in my opinion.

Groups

FYD - Surprisingly weak. I expected big things from these guys but they picked an awful song (Billion-fuckin’-aire, yet a-fuckin’-gain!). Their vocals were shaky and, shockingly, their dancing was subpar and lacked cohesion. At the end of their performance a friend of mine commented that, 'One of them should have done a backflip at the end'. I think that sums it up really: they didn't pull out all the stops like JLS or Jedward would have done and sometimes a desperate, unplanned backflip is enough to show the public you really want to be there and you really want to entertain them. The white guy with the asymmetrical fringe did have a fantastic jawline, but even that couldn’t make up for badly done Travis McCoy and so they had to go.

Bella Amie – I didn’t feel like the girls particularly deserved to make it through to the finals and their performance did nothing to change that opinion. The mixed race girl who sang lead vocals seemed self-conscious and rather gave off the vibe that she didn’t want to be there. Also, their styling was HORRENDOUS. Rebecca’s playsuit was particularly offensive. One of the many no-hoper acts this year.

Diva Fever – Simon’s shock wildcard were surprisingly decent. They had good energy and good vocals and while the colours on set were cheap and lurid, they worked well with the 1970’s disco song they were performing and the look stayed true to the duo’s intrinsic tackiness. There was also something right about seeing 'Diva Fever' in a triline disco font on the screens behind them. All in all, it was a triumph in visual communication! They clearly don’t have a chance in hell of winning but they’re likeable all the same. I expect to see them performing in Glitz before the year is over.

1 Direction – Definitely the best group of the night. They looked great and like they belonged together. Mullingar’s Niall Horan was the stand-out for me – showcasing an effortless, pure voice I had never heard before and just generally looking like he was delighted to be up on that stage. They are wonderfully unaffected and endearing and, considering the current popularity of Justin Bieber, could very well win the contest.

Boys

Matt – One of the best performances of the night. He gave a great, emotive vocal and the combination of When Love Takes Over and Coldplay’s Clocks worked oddly well. He was a little bit shaky at the very beginning of the song – the fast tempo phased him initially but he grew as he went on and he ended emphatically, displaying the most moving and impressive vocals of the night.

Paije – A strong performance from the guy that Dannii should have never passed up. He showed great confidence and his vocals were powerful, but he needs to reign it in a little and be more focused on what emotion he wants to get across. For me, it came across like Paije hadn’t gone through any plan of what he was going to do when he was on stage with Brian Friedman. That said, he 100% deserves to be on the show and his jacket was off the chain!

Nicolo – By far the weakest of the boys. The slicked-back hair was a bad look for him and he is nowhere near where one needs to be in one’s career before one can pull off wearing sunglasses on stage. You’re not Jay-Z, babes. Bad song choice as well; Just Pants! Was neither surprised nor sad to see him leave so soon.

Aiden – Well, I’m going to eat my words here because he was surprisingly good and only moderately spazzy! I fully expected to hate him but I quite enjoyed his paired-back performance in a night full of kitchen-sink productions. The set was beautiful and minimalist and rather Tim Burtonesque. He looked demonic throughout but it suited the song (to a degree) and his vocals were nigh on faultless, with him showing admirable restraint on the money notes. A haunting and original performance of a song that's been done to death. Holy Christ, I’m an overnight Aiden convert!

Over 28s

John – Surprisingly good stuff from the non-entity. It was a great song choice and he did it justice, giving an emotive performance. His suit was also nice and I thought that if it wasn’t for his abnormally small head he would be quite attractive. Still have no idea who he is but was happy he made it through to next week.

Storm – A confident polished performance. His eye make-up was reminiscent of Ziggy Stardust and the dancers were Gagaesque in quite a cool way. I like Storm and like him all the more because Simon appears to have a vendetta against him. When he labelled him a ‘failed rock star’, I felt that it was harsh, unconstructive and said deliberately to inflict maximum damage. Was delighted when he was voted through because I thought Cowell's comment might have finished him off.

Mary – There’s only one word to describe her performance: FABILISS! After the VT showed her crying in bed, struck down with laryngitis, I was prepared for a not-quite-amazing performance but Mazza came out with the confidence and flourish of a matador and gave the night’s most powerful and assured vocal. The crowd went absolutely ape-shit afterwards as well which shows that Mary is much loved and bodes extremely well for her in the competition. (Having the biggest retailer in Britain behind her also won’t do her any harm!).

Wagner – Not that painful. In fairness to Louis, he had slim pickings to choose from in his category and the Chilean PE teacher was the best choice for his wildcard. I kinda felt like it was Chico Time again when he was performing. He is an absolute no-hoper but I don’t find him too annoying and was glad he got through purely because that meant all of Louis’s acts were saved (I’m a big underdog man). I also quite enjoy how he talks like Puss in Boots from Shrek and looks like a shih tzu when he wears the hair on top pulled back.

Girls

Rebecca – Surprisingly weak. I didn’t feel like she had any connection to either the song or the audience. Also, while the tone of her voice is distinctive and pleasing to the ear, she frequently goes out of key when she sings and NONE OF THE JUDGES EVER COMMENT ON THIS. Her outfit was also bland (no matter what Dannii says) and the long black skirt was nothing short of dowdy. Hugely disappointing. (But the weave was fly).

Cher – Good swagger, bad vocals. She strutted onto the stage like she meant business but when she opened her mouth, she was pitchy and her diction was very unclear. I didn’t make out a single word in her mini-rap and while we’re on the subject, I think that Cher’s rap interludes are going to get old very quickly. She’s got good stage presence but I feel she is a one-trick pony and if she had to sing a song straight she’d be in trouble.

Katie – Fucking Antichrist. I hated her outfit, especially the feathered helmet, but I didn’t hate her singing as much as I expected I would. I wanted her to go this week because she never deserved to make it this far, but I accept that her performance in the sing-off was marginally better than FYD’s. She’s disingenuous and clearly isn’t liked and if she is anything short of incredible next week, she’ll be sent home.

Treyc – The best of the girls, but that isn’t saying much. Her vocals were good but I felt that she didn’t connect emotionally with her song (the Mary J.Blige version of U2's One) and she just used it as a vehicle to show off how powerful voice. As vocally talented as she is, I don’t think Treyc has the X Factor; she chooses songs by her favourite artists and tries to reproduce them note per note and thus is nothing more than a karaoke queen.

Whoa, that took me a while! My favourites of the night were 1. Matt, 2. Mary Byrne, and 3. 1 Direction, with a special mention to - I can’t believe this - Aiden Grimshaw. (Seriously, who am I?! Will I be U-turning on Katie next?!).

I’m looking forward to more double eliminations – there’s lots of no-hopers and I’m impatient for them to be gone. (Personally, I would advocate a quadruple elimination under the present circumstances but I understand that ITV want to maximumise revenue from telephone votes).

So there ends my verdict on the first live show of X Factor 2010. Katie may have lived to sing another day, but her demise is imminent and I’m looking forward to the ‘ding dong the witch is dead’ moment she is sent home.

Mmm, Shadenfreude!

Till next time,

Xoxo, Robinita ;)