X Factor: Mah verdict on show 3 & results

Hey y'all - let's do this thing. Firstly, I'd like to say that I thought this week's show was SERIOUSLY boring. I wasn't genuinely entertained or moved once and after watching the show on Saturday, I felt apathetic towards all the contestants.

Louis talked pure shite all night and chose bad songs for each of his acts. I thought Wagner deserved to get the chop instead of John, but when you choose a non-song for a non-entity (albeit, a vocally talented non-entity), the result is not surprising.

In terms of the judges' style, I thought Dannii, yet again, outshone Cheryl in a beautiful, ultra marine gown that complimented her fair skin and blue eyes. Cheryl looked less chavvy than usual. Her dress was, for once, too long and while the nude pink colour washed her out, it made a welcome change from the black and/or metallic shades she usually opts for. Basically, she didn't look like a skanger on her debs night so that's a step in the right direction.

Anyway, Paije opened the show and while he sang well and performed a lot better than last week, there is still something missing. Simon was right for criticising his outfit - he was giving a mature, sombre rendition of his song and his clothing should have reflected that.

He just doesn't understand how to play the game; I mean, his grandmother died this week and he didn't even mention that in his VT? You're on the X Factor - this is no time for dignified mourning! Cry; tell us how you're granny was your biggest supporter and that you're singing for her tonight. When life gives you lemons you make lemonade; when life gives you tragedy whilst you're on the X Factor, you make sympathy soda.

Paije isn't savvy enough to survive in the competition. Like John, he has loser written on his forehead, and I predict he'll be out of the competition in two weeks' time.

John - Lovely smile, excellent voice. Crap, Q102 Love Zone song, stupid hair and too-tight trousers. John seems like a lovely guy and his vocal ability is undeniable but there's nothing interesting about him and he's too meek to be marketable.

Didn't deserve to go this week but he was always going to finish in the bottom half.

(His song was one of the few guilty pleasures of the night, but the emphasis should be on 'pleasure', Louis, you useless bastard).

Rebecca - Her voice sounded the best it has yet and there were no problems with tuning this week, but yet again, she didn't connect to the song or the audience and her styling was horrendous.

Her dress was a lurid, sweet-wrapper pink, and it was far too bulky, completely swamping her. Her hair and make-up were both straight off Jessica Rabbit and the look was Hallowe'en costume meets one of those dolls with the puffy dresses that are placed on top of the toilet roll.

Though her vocals were good technically, she didn't commit to the performance and she conveyed none of the emotion or the atmosphere of the sexy, seedy song.

This year's most overrated, overpraised contestant. Also, the song wasn't guilty pleasure.

Cher - SO EMBARRASSING! Honestly, I nearly melted with the cringiness of it all, especially when she busted her rhymes. ("Axe the people on my block, I'm as real as can be!" *sneers, grabs crotch*). Her third big production to a mash-up, it was like watching Jedward, except it was intended to be cool, not cheesy.

Styling-wise, I thought her big hair mocked her skeletal frame and the combination of heavy, child prostitute-esque make-up and casual, street clothes was strange.

As usual, she was brimming with confidence but I for one am getting tired of this snarling, wiggerette, one-trick pony.

Matt - Very good. His vocal range is amazing but I'd like to see him have fun for a change. Guilty Pleasure week should have been about having fun, but his rendition of Baby One More Time was predictably bleeding heart.

It was the best performance of the night, but it still didn't rock my world. Also, personality-wise, I find Matt quite lacking.

1Direction - Liam Payne's voice is amazing, and really mature for a 16-year-old. A very good song choice (Pink's underrated Nobody Knows) and it sounded well given the boyband treatment.

A big step up from last week and Zain sounded less bad than usual (though I think they should stop giving him solos altogether).

Treyc - Liked her weave - the plum underneath was cool and suited the rock chick image she had going on this week. It was a good song choice but Led Zeppelin isn't my idea of guilty pleasure. The vocals were impressive and it was easily her best performance so far.

Her personality even seemed better (ie. existent) this week, but in true X Factor style, her effort was repaid with being in the bottom two.

She outsung John in her performance and deserved to stay but the public are clearly indifferent to her and I predict she'll be leaving the competition in the next three weeks.

Mary - Again beautiful vocals, and her best look to date, but Mazza needs to mix it up. She should have taken Dannii's advice last week but instead she copped out and went for the safe option.

The crowd's reaction was a fraction of what it has been the past two weeks and deservedly so. She didn't fulfill the brief, and like it was a mash-up to much for Cher, it was a ballad too many for Mary.

I thought her response to being asked whether she would sing more contemporary songs showed a stubborness and unwillingness to try new things. Hopefully it was just a glitch for MaBy, but if she doesn't come out of her comfort zone next week, I'll be very disappointed.

Aiden - Mr Fucking Intense! I thought he lacked presence and the staging was bad - it was disconcerting the way he was raised above the audience and visually, everything was too busy and camouflaged in black attire, he was lost.

In terms of sound, his voice was only okay and his droning sounded Radiohead-esque at times (not a bad thing, but also not likely to go down well with the pleb viewers).

I'm with Cheryl - I would never go to his concert. Too disturbing and draining.

Bella Amie - Fairly bland. I wouldn't have been surprised if they had ended up in the bottom two but it seems that if you're in it one week that guarantees you a surge in votes the following week and assures your safety in the competition.

The tall (white) brunette is the star of the group.

They ripped off the Girls Aloud version of the song wholesale but they sang it adequately.

A slightly above average, school talent show performance.

Katie - She came across as quite likeable this week. She had fun and she looked softer and prettier than she usually does.

The song choice was refreshing and properly embraced the week's theme so she gets points for that. Also, to perform a song from The Jungle Book and not look like a total plonker is an achievement.

I know I left out Wagner but I've no idea when he performed. Anyway, I've very little to say about the man, except that he's a joke that's gone from wearing thin to wearing completely through. The king turd in a night of shit performances.

Anyhoo, that concludes this week's X Factor recap. I was irritated that only one went this week when there's still so many of them.

In relation to Sunday night's performances, I thought Michael Bublé was Michael Bublé and went through the motions in his usual inoffensive way. And as for Chezza, I think the song is shit and headache-inducing but her fierce bitch posturing has come along and it was her least embarrassing solo performance I've seen to date.

If I were to sum up this week's shows in one word, it would be 'underwhelming'.

Xoxo, Robinita

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 2 & results

Hey y'all! First of all, I would like to change my top three from last week. Upon re-watching last week's best performances, I decided that Aiden deserved the bronze medal after Matt and Mary and that 1 Direction were best runner-up. It probably only matters to me, but I wanted to clarify that.

Okay, so Saturday's show was a mixed bag; it started off on a weak note with Storm, Treyc and Paije all failing to bring it, but ended well with Katie, Mary and Matt all giving strong performances. It was a good week for Cher, John and Bella Amie, but quite a bad one for Aiden and Diva Fever who both took a step back from their performances last week.

On a fashion note, Cheryl's hair and lipstick were fucking awful on Saturday, while her look-at-my-boobs dress was almost as bad as the 'boob disc', silver and black monstrosity from last year. Looking at the mangey, purple plait she sported on Saturday night, I couldn't believe that she is allowed to have such horrible hair as a L'Oreal spokesperson. It looked weak, limp, lifeless, dull and strawlike to me... That said, the bog-standard, black cocktail dress she wore on Saturday was fine and her hair and make-up were much better on Saturday. Dannii looked miles better on both nights; I thought her look on Sunday was particularly nice.

Anyhoo, on to the performances.

Storm opened the show with a forgettable performance of Bruce Springsteen's Born To Run. I wasn't all that familiar with the song and thought that he alienated most people under the age of thirty with his song choice. His vocals were not as strong as usual and his desperation and nervousness showed through his rock star posturing.

To be perfectly honest, I find Storm to be quite a tragic, sad character and my heart broke when he said, "You haven't seen the best of me yet!", because that clearly IS the last we will ever see of him. While he's a nice person, I'm happy to see the back of him - he was a bit of a downer.

Treyc - Gave a highly self-indulgent and often screechy performance. I don't believe for one second that Treyc is shy - I just think she has no emotions. She murdered a great song (Prince's Purple Rain) and I would have loved her to get the boot but, alas, she lives to give another soulless, masturbatory performance.

She kind of freaks me out, to be honest. She comes across as a sociopath and if there was an X Factor killing, I feel like she'd be the one doing the stabbing.

Paije - Breathy and messy. I thought he was off from the beginning and the crazy, gospel wailing at the end didn't save the performance. Not nearly as good as last week; disappointing stuff. (On a separate note, my mam wanted him to go because she 'doesn't like looking at fat people'.)

1 Direction - The backing track was insanely loud! The song suited them but the tempo seemed too fast for them and the performance was all over the place with particularly rocky vocals from Zain.

Worse than last week but they've got the aww factor and considering Lloyd Daniels made the top 5 last year, I predict this teen juggernaut will run on for some time.

Cher - For me, the show really began with her performance. Every element of her performance was better than last week; her voice sounded quite pretty in the singing sections and her rapping was far more intelligible.

I still think she's a bit of a one trick pony, but at least she's mastering that trick!

John - This performance made me want to get to know him. He's a natural, authentic performer and I thought he sounded great; there's a lovely, Lionel Richie-esque timbre to his voice.

Raw and real and one of the best of the night. (Now he just needs a sob story...).

Diva Fever - They had to go. There were just two silly gays bopping around to a silly, gay song. They were the weakest element of the performance with the backing singers and scantily-clad dancers both giving it socks and showing up DF as the average 'mos they are.

The decent-looking, decent singer should lose the ugly, tone-deaf spare. (Harsh enough?).

Rebecca - SO OVERRATED! The make-up wasn't her; her voice is constantly going out of tune and she doesn't look comfortable on stage. I couldn't disagree with Louis more; I think Rebecca has no star quality whatsoever, and I find her personality irritating rather than endearing. Either get some confidence and stop being so meek or pick a different career!

I think her appeal lies largely in her softly-spoken, Liverpudlian accent.

One of my least favourite performances of the night.

Aiden - Spazzy and the vocals were shaky throughout. I found him painful to watch and not much better to listen to. He comes across as quite unstable and troubled after his performance. I worry for him.

After Treyc, the next most likely to commit an X Factor killing.

Wagner - I felt like the song went on for ages. Quite repetitive, but there's no denying that he's gas with a capital 'g'.

Was happy enough that he survived the public vote. Am intrigued as to what he and Louis have in store for us next week...

Katie - Much better than last week. The genre suited her husky, soulful voice and her image was vastly improved.

Not quite incredible, but a huge improvement. Now that she's proven her place in the competition, I want her to stop acting so penitently. You'd swear she killed somebody from the way she's been behaving. I want a happy medium between swanning about with feather eye-lashes and a lace parasol and an ex-con, repaying her dues to society.

Bella Amie - Wow! I was expecting them to be absolutely shit after their performance last week but they sounded much better and they exhibited a confidence I didn't know they had.

That said, they were the freaks of the week as far as their outfits were concerned.

Image is all important for girl bands and if they're going to stay in the competition they'll need to up their style.

Performance-wise, I thought they were better than 1 Direction.

Mary - WHAT A WOMAN! The best of the night. An expressive and authentic performance. From the first note, I knew that it was going to be a great vocal. Her voice was so powerful and secure that it put most of the other performers to shame (not least of all, Katy Perry. Oh snap!).

The reception from the studio audience was rapturous; she gave Cheryl Cole (and yours truly) head-to-toe chills and, for the first time, I feel like Mary could win the competition.

She's just fuckin' great!

Matt - Is Bruno Mars his musical hero? He didn't stick to the theme of the show but that doesn't really matter. His performance was good but not quite as good as last week and not as good as Mary's. He experienced a few pitch problems throughout the song and if he did hit that high C, it didn't take my breath away.

That said, he has a great voice and he emotes when he sings. However, I wonder whether some of his power is in his hat and maybe that's why he was slightly off? I thought he looked better without it, though.

In short, very good but not Mary good.

That wraps up my recap of the second live show and results show. I was quite surprised by how much changed in a week; Aiden and Paije both fucked up quite badly this week while Katie and John proved themselves to be contenders.

My top three of the night are 1. Mary, 2. John and 3. Matt, with notable mentions to Katie and Cher for stepping up their game.

And... that's about it!

Oh yeah, and Diana Vickers doesn't have the figure to wear a leotard.

Xoxo, Robinita ;)

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 1 & results

Well, holy God - that was a marathon first show! Lasting two and a half hours and featuring sixteen acts, it was more like the Eurovision than an X Factor live show. Personally, I didn't think the talent was so amazing this year that they had to let more people in but it did let the judges who did a bad job of picking their top threes (Dannii and Cheryl) to somewhat right their wrongs.

Alas, there was n’ere a sign (or even a mention) of Gamu, so it’s looking likely that she actually will be deported. Poor girl – if the people of Britain had a choice, they definitely would have picked Katie to be booted off and banished to Zimbabwe instead of her. There’s just no justice in the world…

Anyhoo, so now I’m going to run through all sixteen acts, category by category and give you my opinions on how each one fared in my opinion.

Groups

FYD - Surprisingly weak. I expected big things from these guys but they picked an awful song (Billion-fuckin’-aire, yet a-fuckin’-gain!). Their vocals were shaky and, shockingly, their dancing was subpar and lacked cohesion. At the end of their performance a friend of mine commented that, 'One of them should have done a backflip at the end'. I think that sums it up really: they didn't pull out all the stops like JLS or Jedward would have done and sometimes a desperate, unplanned backflip is enough to show the public you really want to be there and you really want to entertain them. The white guy with the asymmetrical fringe did have a fantastic jawline, but even that couldn’t make up for badly done Travis McCoy and so they had to go.

Bella Amie – I didn’t feel like the girls particularly deserved to make it through to the finals and their performance did nothing to change that opinion. The mixed race girl who sang lead vocals seemed self-conscious and rather gave off the vibe that she didn’t want to be there. Also, their styling was HORRENDOUS. Rebecca’s playsuit was particularly offensive. One of the many no-hoper acts this year.

Diva Fever – Simon’s shock wildcard were surprisingly decent. They had good energy and good vocals and while the colours on set were cheap and lurid, they worked well with the 1970’s disco song they were performing and the look stayed true to the duo’s intrinsic tackiness. There was also something right about seeing 'Diva Fever' in a triline disco font on the screens behind them. All in all, it was a triumph in visual communication! They clearly don’t have a chance in hell of winning but they’re likeable all the same. I expect to see them performing in Glitz before the year is over.

1 Direction – Definitely the best group of the night. They looked great and like they belonged together. Mullingar’s Niall Horan was the stand-out for me – showcasing an effortless, pure voice I had never heard before and just generally looking like he was delighted to be up on that stage. They are wonderfully unaffected and endearing and, considering the current popularity of Justin Bieber, could very well win the contest.

Boys

Matt – One of the best performances of the night. He gave a great, emotive vocal and the combination of When Love Takes Over and Coldplay’s Clocks worked oddly well. He was a little bit shaky at the very beginning of the song – the fast tempo phased him initially but he grew as he went on and he ended emphatically, displaying the most moving and impressive vocals of the night.

Paije – A strong performance from the guy that Dannii should have never passed up. He showed great confidence and his vocals were powerful, but he needs to reign it in a little and be more focused on what emotion he wants to get across. For me, it came across like Paije hadn’t gone through any plan of what he was going to do when he was on stage with Brian Friedman. That said, he 100% deserves to be on the show and his jacket was off the chain!

Nicolo – By far the weakest of the boys. The slicked-back hair was a bad look for him and he is nowhere near where one needs to be in one’s career before one can pull off wearing sunglasses on stage. You’re not Jay-Z, babes. Bad song choice as well; Just Pants! Was neither surprised nor sad to see him leave so soon.

Aiden – Well, I’m going to eat my words here because he was surprisingly good and only moderately spazzy! I fully expected to hate him but I quite enjoyed his paired-back performance in a night full of kitchen-sink productions. The set was beautiful and minimalist and rather Tim Burtonesque. He looked demonic throughout but it suited the song (to a degree) and his vocals were nigh on faultless, with him showing admirable restraint on the money notes. A haunting and original performance of a song that's been done to death. Holy Christ, I’m an overnight Aiden convert!

Over 28s

John – Surprisingly good stuff from the non-entity. It was a great song choice and he did it justice, giving an emotive performance. His suit was also nice and I thought that if it wasn’t for his abnormally small head he would be quite attractive. Still have no idea who he is but was happy he made it through to next week.

Storm – A confident polished performance. His eye make-up was reminiscent of Ziggy Stardust and the dancers were Gagaesque in quite a cool way. I like Storm and like him all the more because Simon appears to have a vendetta against him. When he labelled him a ‘failed rock star’, I felt that it was harsh, unconstructive and said deliberately to inflict maximum damage. Was delighted when he was voted through because I thought Cowell's comment might have finished him off.

Mary – There’s only one word to describe her performance: FABILISS! After the VT showed her crying in bed, struck down with laryngitis, I was prepared for a not-quite-amazing performance but Mazza came out with the confidence and flourish of a matador and gave the night’s most powerful and assured vocal. The crowd went absolutely ape-shit afterwards as well which shows that Mary is much loved and bodes extremely well for her in the competition. (Having the biggest retailer in Britain behind her also won’t do her any harm!).

Wagner – Not that painful. In fairness to Louis, he had slim pickings to choose from in his category and the Chilean PE teacher was the best choice for his wildcard. I kinda felt like it was Chico Time again when he was performing. He is an absolute no-hoper but I don’t find him too annoying and was glad he got through purely because that meant all of Louis’s acts were saved (I’m a big underdog man). I also quite enjoy how he talks like Puss in Boots from Shrek and looks like a shih tzu when he wears the hair on top pulled back.

Girls

Rebecca – Surprisingly weak. I didn’t feel like she had any connection to either the song or the audience. Also, while the tone of her voice is distinctive and pleasing to the ear, she frequently goes out of key when she sings and NONE OF THE JUDGES EVER COMMENT ON THIS. Her outfit was also bland (no matter what Dannii says) and the long black skirt was nothing short of dowdy. Hugely disappointing. (But the weave was fly).

Cher – Good swagger, bad vocals. She strutted onto the stage like she meant business but when she opened her mouth, she was pitchy and her diction was very unclear. I didn’t make out a single word in her mini-rap and while we’re on the subject, I think that Cher’s rap interludes are going to get old very quickly. She’s got good stage presence but I feel she is a one-trick pony and if she had to sing a song straight she’d be in trouble.

Katie – Fucking Antichrist. I hated her outfit, especially the feathered helmet, but I didn’t hate her singing as much as I expected I would. I wanted her to go this week because she never deserved to make it this far, but I accept that her performance in the sing-off was marginally better than FYD’s. She’s disingenuous and clearly isn’t liked and if she is anything short of incredible next week, she’ll be sent home.

Treyc – The best of the girls, but that isn’t saying much. Her vocals were good but I felt that she didn’t connect emotionally with her song (the Mary J.Blige version of U2's One) and she just used it as a vehicle to show off how powerful voice. As vocally talented as she is, I don’t think Treyc has the X Factor; she chooses songs by her favourite artists and tries to reproduce them note per note and thus is nothing more than a karaoke queen.

Whoa, that took me a while! My favourites of the night were 1. Matt, 2. Mary Byrne, and 3. 1 Direction, with a special mention to - I can’t believe this - Aiden Grimshaw. (Seriously, who am I?! Will I be U-turning on Katie next?!).

I’m looking forward to more double eliminations – there’s lots of no-hopers and I’m impatient for them to be gone. (Personally, I would advocate a quadruple elimination under the present circumstances but I understand that ITV want to maximumise revenue from telephone votes).

So there ends my verdict on the first live show of X Factor 2010. Katie may have lived to sing another day, but her demise is imminent and I’m looking forward to the ‘ding dong the witch is dead’ moment she is sent home.

Mmm, Shadenfreude!

Till next time,

Xoxo, Robinita ;)

Mah verdict on X Factor finalists

Hey y'all! It's been a looong time since my last post and, yet again, I'm going in a different direction. (I'm not just the realest bitch, I'm also the most sporadic).

Anyhoo, it's that time of year again - X Factor is back and for the next ten weeks the media (and my mind) is going to be dominated by whatever is going down in the ITV studio on Saturday and Sunday night. Cheryl will wear lovely dresses; Cheryl will wear horrible dresses (though she'll be hard-pressed to outdo the black and silver monstrosity from last year). Dannii will try to be funny and consequently end up offending thousands of people and embarrassing herself (her attempt to rib Danyl Johnston over his bisexuality was one of the cringiest moments of last year's series). Louis will be equal parts embarrassing and endearing, and will champion and defend Mary Byrne with all his might. And Simon will smirk and make wild, unfavourable comparisons, usually involving animals of some sort (if he dares to compare Mary to a hippo or an elephant, he goin' die!).

Right, so now I'm going to go through all the acts, category by category, briefly giving my opinion on each one.

Boys

Matt - The only one of Dannii's three that I thought truly deserved a place in the final. A genuine guy with a haunting voice, who actually emotes when he sings (and isn't a self-indulgent, pseudo-deep arsehole like Aidan Grimshaw).

Matt also looks phwoar-geous after his make-over and is winner of the Olly Murs Surprise Fittie award.

Nicolo - A bit gas; a bit handsome. Nicolo has an oddly fascinating manner and sense of humour; he certainly isn't the stereotypical, fiery Italian. It is very hard to tell whether or not he is being sincere when he talks and I sometimes wonder whether this is because he doesn't understand everything that is being said to him.

Though labelled a diva, I think he is one of the most nervous contestants when performing.

Aidan - HATE HIM. He's so disingenuous and I can't stand his uncomfortable, spazzy performances. All the crazy facial expressions, the swaying and the drunken Mariah hands make for uneasy viewing. He also has demented eyes. His voice is alright but I would have liked chubby cinema employee, Paije, to have made the finals instead.

I foresee him being this year's Danyl Johnston, only twitchier.

Girls

Katie - Where to begin? Quite simply one of the most enraging personalities in reality TV history. She has a nauseatingly affected manner and dress sense and is every bit as pointless as that lace parasol she carried into her final audition in front of Cheryl and Will.I.Am.

In short, a pretentious, egotistical sap who has no musical talent or redeeming qualities of any kind. (However, one thing she does boast is a considerably large, masculine chin).

Cher - Undoubtedly one of, if not the, best first auditions of the series. Her rendition was 'right up my streeet' and '100% on the money', though her subsequent performances have failed to live up to that first audition. However if she Turns Her Swag On in the live shows, she could well be this year's winner.

On another note, she has a strange appearance and odd mannerisms. Reminds me of Dot from Eastenders, weirdly enough.

She is unique in every way and I look forward to seeing her next week.

Rebecca - Very pretty and endearing. Has a cute Liverpudlian accent and a lovely tone to her voice when she sings. Without a doubt she can sing ballads beautifully but I wonder if she'll have the personality and confidence for uptempo songs and dance routines. For this reason, I see her going the way of Stacey Solomon, ie. making it far but not winning.

However, maybe her suh-lammin' new weave will give her the confidence she needs? It looks just like the one they gave Alexandra Burke two years ago (and we all know how well she got on with hers).

Groups

1 Direction - Ah bless. I think band names with numbers in them are over but I'm willing to forgive them for that (I don't they came up with it anyway). I love the blonde culchie and the oddly serious, curly-haired, lead singer while Liam Payne looks like Justin Bieber's hotter-but-still-underage brother.

I predict they'll go far thanks to teenage girls (and not-so-teenage creeps!).

Bella Amie - Again, a fairly bad name but you can't really hold that against them. They seem like nice girls and I'm happy for them but I can't help but feel that Hustle would have been more entertaining (I can only imagine the amazing routines Brian Friedman would have put together for them...).

Maybe after Kandi Rain, Simon didn't want to chance it on another pack of slappers?

FYD - The best group, in my opinion and the first mixed-race British boyband that's caught the public's attention since Blue. Their image is good and there's only one minger (the one with the mohawk, obvs).

Looking forward to close harmonising, rap interludes and slick, synchronised dance routines. These boys will go far - they've got the eye of the tiger or something.

Over 28s

Mary Byrne - G'wan de Mareee! She's a fabiliss, salt o' de eart' woman who'll touch our hearts and make us weep more than once before her time on X Factor is over. (I can already picture Louis bawling when she is eliminated).

She has a lovely, warm personality and a powerful, emotive voice, however, I don't know if she'll be the most versatile of contestants.

Also, loving her foxy new fringe!

Storm Lee - A bit of a freak; a bit gas. He has a very good voice but there's something unstable about him. I anticipate that Simon is going to cut him down at every opportunity and that Storm will bite back. I like that he has an ego - too many humble people make for dull viewing.

They've made him over to look the Riddler from Batman... and I kinda like it. Obviously I don't fancy him or anything close to that, but somehow he pulls off the Rihanna-red hair and drawn-on eyebrows.

John Adeleye (the black guy with the hat) - Where did he come from? The first I saw of him he was performing Billionaire *shudder* in front of Sharon and Louis. This surely isn't a good sign.

He better pull out a personality or a sob story quick or he could be heading home very shortly.

So there you go - that was my verdict on this year's X Factor finalists.

PS. It's said if you're really quiet you might be able to hear the sound of Gamu's relations sticking pins into Cheryl Cole voodoo dolls.

On that note of casual racism, I bid you adieu!

Xoxo, Robinita ;)

God Should Have Paid Child Support

I saw a headline on the front page of a newspaper today that said that deadbeat Irish dads who don’t pay child maintenance are being targeted by the State, but is it really surprising that young men don’t honour their responsibilities to their children when God himself got a girl pregnant and split? It struck me that The Big Man isn’t such a great role model for men considering he tricked Mary, got her knocked up and then didn’t even pay child support!

Some of you may argue that he sent the three wise men bearing gifts and that was a form of child maintenance. But that was ONE TIME and out of those three gifts, gold was the only good one. Myrrh? Bitch please. Frankincense? BITCH PLEASE! Why couldn’t he have stopped with the frankin-nonsense and just have given the poor bitch three lots of gold? I mean, she deserved a pot of gold for the pain of childbirth alone and another for being tricked (she was a virgin for chrissake! She got the punishment and she didn’t even do the ‘crime’!). Really, only the third pot would have counted as child support.
Mother Mary ain’t no ho, she deserved mo' gold fo’ sho’.

It’s not as if she was raising just any old kid, either – he was the motherfuckin’ son of God! Her life got turned upside-down, she had to deal with Apostle groupies coming into her home, not to mention worrying about her son cavorting with nasty-ass lepers and the other, ho Mary. Jesus was all about saving the souls of others; he never thought to get a job and get his mama out of the ghetto. And then she has to bury her son when he was just 32 years of age and she can’t even visit his body because he busted out of his tomb and rose to heaven? That ain’t easy!
If you’re going to invade some woman’s body and take over their life, the least you can do is COMPENSATE them.

God should have hooked Mary up with a sweet ride – she shoulda had the fastest and most comfortable camel in all of Jerusalem! But God was cheap. I mean, there she was, about to give birth to HIS son and the best he could do was a stable? A motherfuckin’ stable, when there’s an inn right next door?! God’s baby mama has to give birth into a cattle trough surrounded by cows and sheep because he wouldn’t pay for ONE night in an inn? There’s only one word for a man like that: scrub.
Basically, God is Eddie Murphy and Mary was his purer, less busty Mel B.

In short, God shouldn't be in heaven - he should be on Jeremy Kyle getting it in the ear by that detestable man for being the good-for-nothing deadbeat dad that he is.

Can I get a amen?!

Irrational Hate List: Part III – Angelina Jolie.

Some of you will be asking why I dislike Angelina when she’s a humanitarian and soooo beautiful. Well, I don’t like her smug face and I don’t like the way her statements and actions almost never match up. Quite simply Angelina Jolie is not a real bitch; she is in fact the opposite of one and thus drives the forces of fake-assness which are responsible for most of the world's wrongs. (That might sound OTT, but I mean it with every fibre of my being!).

I have never been a fan of Jolie and one of the biggest reasons for this was that I never felt I knew who she was. But after years of harbouring a more than mild dislike for the actress for what I believed was no good reason, I've finally gotten to the root of why I dislike her so much. Angelina Jolie is that pointless, attention-seeking, ‘alternative’ girl who is/was in everyone’s school. You know the one - everything she said and did was done purely to provoke a reaction? She was that girl who wore heavy eyeliner and told lies about herself so she would seem really deep and interesting. She was that girl who told near-strangers really inappropriate (and mostly fictitious) things about her private life; staring into their eyes, willing them to be shocked and horrified by her fucked-up life. She was that girl who would nonchalantly talk about her abusive father who called her a whore or her manic-depressive mother who tried to overdose on pills. Then when others acted concerned or sympathetic, she would shrug it off as if to say ‘That’s nothing compared to some of the other fucked-up shit that’s happened to me’.
She is also the girl you eventually found out came from a normal, non-dysfunctional family.

When Angelina Jolie first came to international attention twelve years ago, she was essentially what Megan Fox is now: a freaky, semi-gothy, hot chick with nice tits and big lips. However, over time her image has changed drastically; she has lost a lot of weight (but has somehow kept the boobs), merged with Hollywood actor Brad Pitt to become the Optimus Prime of celebrity couples, Brangelina, and adopted several children from third-world countries, as well as giving birth to three biological children. In addition to all that, she has also done humanitarian work with the UN which brought her to an orphanage in Vietnam where she saw her Maddox, triggering her adoption addiction.
On paper, Angelina is fine but I dislike her because I feel she’s fake and guarded and also becasue she won’t fess up to having cosmetic surgery. Other reasons that I dislike her are her perma-pout and the fact that she isn’t a very good actress. Yeah, she might have received an Oscar for her supporting role in Girl, Interrupted, but anyone whose seen that film knows that a) it’s ridiculous, b) Angelina is only good in it because she is playing herself at the time, ie. a crazy, kooky pair of lips, and c) Brittany Murphy was the true breakout star of that film.

If you look at pictures of her ten years ago and then the poster for Salt, you will see how much she has physically altered. While most humans find that their skin sags with age, Angelina’s actually becomes more taut. She is like Madonna in this respect. That is why they are wrinkle-free and look more and more cat-like as the years go by. Who is she fooling? It is obvious she has had Botox and at least one nose job, and while I’m not an expert on these things, I would say she has had upper- and lower- eye-lifts as well.
Now clearly, it’s not like she’s the first actress to go under the knife for her career or her own vanity but what irritates me about Angelina is that she would never admit to any of it. She would never be so shallow as to have cosmetic surgery when there are bigger, more important issues in the world such as starvation and AIDs! When will people understand that Angelina isn’t like other actresses, or any other woman for that matter? She’s a humanitarian worker and a mother who just happens to be a top-earning Hollywood actress, goddammit! She can’t help it if she’s talented and naturally beautiful and people want her to be in their movies. It’s a cross she must bear. Obviously she would rather be in an orphanage in a third-world country right now but these bothersome films in which she stars require her to go to premieres and award ceremonies and parade around in front of photographers in designer dresses. It’s all rather infantile, but she needs to keep a high profile so she can spread maximum awareness and do the most amount of good for the needy.
I give Angelina props for her humanitarian work, I really do, but she needs to stop pretending she’s above the glitz and glamour of the movie industry when she’s clearly as vain and as obsessed with her image as any Hollywood starlet.

For the record, being real has nothing to do with having a real face or body; Joan Rivers is made up of 80% man-made materials but she’s as real as a bitch comes. Being real is about being honest. You come across real bitches who are plastic (eg. Sharon Osbourne) and fake-ass bitches who are all-natural (eg. Vanessa Hudgens) – but equally you get real bitches who are real (eg. Tina Fey) and fake-ass bitches who literally have fake-asses (eg. Kim Kardashian).
My issue with Angelina isn’t that she’s plastic – a lot of my favourite female celebrities are – it’s that she has the audacity to say that she isn’t. How can she sit back and be praised as a paragon of natural beauty when she isn't all natural?
A real bitch admits when she’s had a few tweaks; a fake-ass bitch pretends she’s perfect.

Another thing I dislike about her is that while on one hand, acting doesn’t interest her as much as being a mother, she has to be a bad-ass in everything she does. She talks about buying her son Maddox toy guns because he’s obsessed with them, and even wore a necklace with a machine gun pendant. This seems rather inconsistent for a woman who fights for peace around the world. But Angelina has always been the queen of mixed messages (or perhaps the princess, after Madonna). The comedienne Roseanne Barr made a good observation about Angelina’s contradictory behaviour in August 2008, when she blogged about the way in which the actress campaigns against violence and yet stars in ultra-violent movies in which she cold-bloodedly kills dozens of people (eg. Salt, Wanted, Mr and Mrs Smith, Tomb Raider). It’s rather hypocritical of her to denounce violence while glamorising it at the same time, is it not?

Last but not least, let’s not forget that this is the woman who tongued her brother on a red carpet. Full-on MET him in front of photographers! Leopards don’t change their spots, people. Ange will never fade into the background, devoting all of her time to the orphans/ rain forest/ earthquake victims because she gets off on attention. Again, this is nothing to be ashamed of – attention is great, most people in the public eye and many others who aren’t also crave it - I just wish she’d admit she does, too.

Basically, I dislike Angelina because she is just like Madonna. Just as waxy, just as gaunt, just as orphaned-out and just as disingenuous. The only difference is she doesn’t flash her scrawny minge at us all. And for that at least, we should be thankful.

Irrational Hate List, Part II: Loose Women

“No worst, there is none”. I thought the opening lines from Gerard Manley Hopkins’s poem about unimaginable pain and misery would be a fitting introduction to the subject of part two in my Irrational Hate series: ITV’s Loose Women. I know this is supposed to a list of my irrational hate for celebrities/pop culture phenomena, so please forgive me because my hatred of this show is perfectly rational.

My reasons for disliking the show are multitudinous. Firstly, I have problems with most of the panellists who appear on the show, of whom they are many but the established team consists of Andrea McLean (innocuous ex-weathergirl with a Blue Peter quality), Jane McDonald (apparently a singer but if there’s a shred of that West Yorkshire accent in her singing voice, she can’t be a good one), Sherrie Hewson (admittedly endearing former Coronation Street actress), Carol McGiffin (controversial, turkey-necked cougar who has had a fair few whacks from the ugly stick), Denise Welch (another former Coronation Street actress who sports dodgy plastic surgery and a bad bleach job), Lynda Bellingham (one of the oldest and most bearable of the group) and Coleen Nolan (uninformed, opinionated Spanx-wearer extraordinaire). The best I seem to be able to say about any of them is ‘she’s fairly inoffensive’. As Yeats wrote in The Second Coming, “The best lack all conviction, while the worst/ Are full of passionate intensity.”

The second reason I dislike like the show is because they talk about the most inane topics imaginable. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the daytime television programme, this following is an example of the type of prattle you hear on the show. (Spoken in a blood-curdling Lancashire accent) “Did you ever go into someone’s bedroom and they have everything matching?! I went into a friend’s bedroom recently and they had the lampshade matching the bedspread, the curtains matching the carpet! I dunno ‘bout you but MY curtains don’t match my carpet! (Titters) Oh dear, that sounded like an innuendo!” *everybody falls about laughing like it’s the funniest thing that has ever been said*

Loose Women? More like Shit Hysterical Middle-Aged Bitches. Don’t get me wrong, I love older women who speak their minds and aren’t restrained in how they talk or how they act. Sharon Osbourne, Kim Katrall, Helen Mirren, Joan Rivers and Jo Brand are all brilliant, brave, witty women who stick their middle fingers up to sexism and ageism (in a world where both are still abundant). However, there is absolutely nothing racy or daring about the Loose Women.
Watching the show is like being stuck at the worst lunch table at work. In fact it is worse, because while the subject matter is as mundane and the panellists are about as interesting and informed as your typical middle-aged secretary, the former have massive egos and make a lot of noise jostling for attention, each believing that what she has to say is highly entertaining or profoundly insightful. (Really, it’s like having lunch with the shittest, most domineering member of every group of middle-aged women at work).
The only thing that separates a Loose Woman from a member in her audience is her ego... That and hair and make-up. Each day the Loose Women are trussed up to look like they are the mother of the bride; their hair is blow-dried big and they are lathered in false tan and Touche Éclat to the point that they look slippery, as if they are perspiring (although that might just be due to the hot flashes).

It becomes easier to understand the inflated egos of the Loose Women ‘stars’ when one looks at gossip magazines for mature women. The Loose Women are Girls Aloud for the menopausal; they are seen on the covers of Woman’s Way and Woman’s Own, walking down the street with no make-up on or climbing out of taxis with their mouths open, while captions read, “Coleen’s ageing fear” or “The tragedy behind Natalie’s recent shocking behaviour.” (Both are real headlines from current issues of mature women’s magazines).

Another thing I dislike about the show is the forced jolly atmosphere in the studio. Women talk about the things that affect their lives – ageing, marriage, family life – but they aren’t allowed to be serious or reflective. Every statement must end in an exclamation mark. They laugh about their big, hairy husbands, snoring or hassling them to have sex; complain about their whiny, money-grabbing children (who they love anyway, the little buggers!) and talk about themselves like their lives are just one big series of ‘hilarious’ mishaps and cock-ups. Anecdotes invariably end with statements like “me and my big mouth!” or “yet again, I end up on my fat arse!”
They send out the message that a woman’s life is a joke, because for all the talking that they do,
there is never real, frank discussion on the show. They constantly relate back to stereotypes – eg. 'I’m the nagging wife and he’s the long-suffering husband' – and thus reduce themselves and others to easy-to-manage, 2-dimensional characters. Because of this practice of lobotomising life, nothing meaningful can ever be discussed.

This flattening of individuals can be seen in the way the women refer to each other. Carol, for all her mingingness and her tendency to give too much information about her sex life, is one of the two open, honest Loose Women (the other being the rather charming Sherrie Hewson). She is an unconventional, fifty-year-old woman who enjoys having sex and has a much younger fiancé. In her bio on the Loose Women section of the ITV website, Carol writes that “Loose Women is [her] dream job. There is nowhere else on TV that old (well old for TV anyway) women can get an hour’s airtime without an even older man linking, patronising or interrupting them.” By all accounts she is an interesting person; she is a pro-age feminist but the other panellists don’t see her as that, they just see her as ‘randy old Carol, the cougar.’

Finally, the thing I hate most of all about Loose Women is Coleen Nolan. (“Mary, Mother of us, where is your relief?”)! When the 45-year-old, who rose to fame as the fat Nolan sister, isn’t forcing herself into a pair of magic knickers, she’s telling the other ‘girls’ that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to adopt children because “there’s only so much she can accept.” (Those particular comments landed her in a bit of hot water in January 2007). This coming from a woman who told her 15-year-old son that if he passed his GCSEs his step-father would take him to the Red Light District in Amsterdam and pay for him to sleep with a prostitute. But while her bigotry, hypocrisy and inability to put down the fork when she has a job on TV all irritate me, the thing that really gets my goat about Coleen is her self-congratulation. She has just released a new book entitled, Mum to Mum: Happy Memories and Honest Advice, From a Real Mum. (She is such a real mum that not only does she shop in Iceland, she also endorses it!).
In her bio on the Loose Women page, she writes “My loose lips and saucy innuendos regularly get me in trouble, but I can’t help it, I’m a big flirt”!

For me that line not only encapsulates everything that I hate about the woman, but the show in general. Urrrrrgh… Hormone Replacement Therapy has a lot to answer for.


PS. Coleen, stop shouting that you’ve lost weight when everyone can see you’re wearing a corset and you’ve just squeezed your spare tyre up into your boobs.