Some of you will be asking why I dislike Angelina when she’s a humanitarian and soooo beautiful. Well, I don’t like her smug face and I don’t like the way her statements and actions almost never match up. Quite simply Angelina Jolie is not a real bitch; she is in fact the opposite of one and thus drives the forces of fake-assness which are responsible for most of the world's wrongs. (That might sound OTT, but I mean it with every fibre of my being!).
I have never been a fan of Jolie and one of the biggest reasons for this was that I never felt I knew who she was. But after years of harbouring a more than mild dislike for the actress for what I believed was no good reason, I've finally gotten to the root of why I dislike her so much. Angelina Jolie is that pointless, attention-seeking, ‘alternative’ girl who is/was in everyone’s school. You know the one - everything she said and did was done purely to provoke a reaction? She was that girl who wore heavy eyeliner and told lies about herself so she would seem really deep and interesting. She was that girl who told near-strangers really inappropriate (and mostly fictitious) things about her private life; staring into their eyes, willing them to be shocked and horrified by her fucked-up life. She was that girl who would nonchalantly talk about her abusive father who called her a whore or her manic-depressive mother who tried to overdose on pills. Then when others acted concerned or sympathetic, she would shrug it off as if to say ‘That’s nothing compared to some of the other fucked-up shit that’s happened to me’.
She is also the girl you eventually found out came from a normal, non-dysfunctional family.
When Angelina Jolie first came to international attention twelve years ago, she was essentially what Megan Fox is now: a freaky, semi-gothy, hot chick with nice tits and big lips. However, over time her image has changed drastically; she has lost a lot of weight (but has somehow kept the boobs), merged with Hollywood actor Brad Pitt to become the Optimus Prime of celebrity couples, Brangelina, and adopted several children from third-world countries, as well as giving birth to three biological children. In addition to all that, she has also done humanitarian work with the UN which brought her to an orphanage in Vietnam where she saw her Maddox, triggering her adoption addiction.
On paper, Angelina is fine but I dislike her because I feel she’s fake and guarded and also becasue she won’t fess up to having cosmetic surgery. Other reasons that I dislike her are her perma-pout and the fact that she isn’t a very good actress. Yeah, she might have received an Oscar for her supporting role in Girl, Interrupted, but anyone whose seen that film knows that a) it’s ridiculous, b) Angelina is only good in it because she is playing herself at the time, ie. a crazy, kooky pair of lips, and c) Brittany Murphy was the true breakout star of that film.
If you look at pictures of her ten years ago and then the poster for Salt, you will see how much she has physically altered. While most humans find that their skin sags with age, Angelina’s actually becomes more taut. She is like Madonna in this respect. That is why they are wrinkle-free and look more and more cat-like as the years go by. Who is she fooling? It is obvious she has had Botox and at least one nose job, and while I’m not an expert on these things, I would say she has had upper- and lower- eye-lifts as well.
Now clearly, it’s not like she’s the first actress to go under the knife for her career or her own vanity but what irritates me about Angelina is that she would never admit to any of it. She would never be so shallow as to have cosmetic surgery when there are bigger, more important issues in the world such as starvation and AIDs! When will people understand that Angelina isn’t like other actresses, or any other woman for that matter? She’s a humanitarian worker and a mother who just happens to be a top-earning Hollywood actress, goddammit! She can’t help it if she’s talented and naturally beautiful and people want her to be in their movies. It’s a cross she must bear. Obviously she would rather be in an orphanage in a third-world country right now but these bothersome films in which she stars require her to go to premieres and award ceremonies and parade around in front of photographers in designer dresses. It’s all rather infantile, but she needs to keep a high profile so she can spread maximum awareness and do the most amount of good for the needy.
I give Angelina props for her humanitarian work, I really do, but she needs to stop pretending she’s above the glitz and glamour of the movie industry when she’s clearly as vain and as obsessed with her image as any Hollywood starlet.
For the record, being real has nothing to do with having a real face or body; Joan Rivers is made up of 80% man-made materials but she’s as real as a bitch comes. Being real is about being honest. You come across real bitches who are plastic (eg. Sharon Osbourne) and fake-ass bitches who are all-natural (eg. Vanessa Hudgens) – but equally you get real bitches who are real (eg. Tina Fey) and fake-ass bitches who literally have fake-asses (eg. Kim Kardashian).
My issue with Angelina isn’t that she’s plastic – a lot of my favourite female celebrities are – it’s that she has the audacity to say that she isn’t. How can she sit back and be praised as a paragon of natural beauty when she isn't all natural?
A real bitch admits when she’s had a few tweaks; a fake-ass bitch pretends she’s perfect.
Another thing I dislike about her is that while on one hand, acting doesn’t interest her as much as being a mother, she has to be a bad-ass in everything she does. She talks about buying her son Maddox toy guns because he’s obsessed with them, and even wore a necklace with a machine gun pendant. This seems rather inconsistent for a woman who fights for peace around the world. But Angelina has always been the queen of mixed messages (or perhaps the princess, after Madonna). The comedienne Roseanne Barr made a good observation about Angelina’s contradictory behaviour in August 2008, when she blogged about the way in which the actress campaigns against violence and yet stars in ultra-violent movies in which she cold-bloodedly kills dozens of people (eg. Salt, Wanted, Mr and Mrs Smith, Tomb Raider). It’s rather hypocritical of her to denounce violence while glamorising it at the same time, is it not?
Last but not least, let’s not forget that this is the woman who tongued her brother on a red carpet. Full-on MET him in front of photographers! Leopards don’t change their spots, people. Ange will never fade into the background, devoting all of her time to the orphans/ rain forest/ earthquake victims because she gets off on attention. Again, this is nothing to be ashamed of – attention is great, most people in the public eye and many others who aren’t also crave it - I just wish she’d admit she does, too.
Basically, I dislike Angelina because she is just like Madonna. Just as waxy, just as gaunt, just as orphaned-out and just as disingenuous. The only difference is she doesn’t flash her scrawny minge at us all. And for that at least, we should be thankful.
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