Hey y'all! It's been a looong time since my last post and, yet again, I'm going in a different direction. (I'm not just the realest bitch, I'm also the most sporadic).
Anyhoo, it's that time of year again - X Factor is back and for the next ten weeks the media (and my mind) is going to be dominated by whatever is going down in the ITV studio on Saturday and Sunday night. Cheryl will wear lovely dresses; Cheryl will wear horrible dresses (though she'll be hard-pressed to outdo the black and silver monstrosity from last year). Dannii will try to be funny and consequently end up offending thousands of people and embarrassing herself (her attempt to rib Danyl Johnston over his bisexuality was one of the cringiest moments of last year's series). Louis will be equal parts embarrassing and endearing, and will champion and defend Mary Byrne with all his might. And Simon will smirk and make wild, unfavourable comparisons, usually involving animals of some sort (if he dares to compare Mary to a hippo or an elephant, he goin' die!).
Right, so now I'm going to go through all the acts, category by category, briefly giving my opinion on each one.
Boys
Matt - The only one of Dannii's three that I thought truly deserved a place in the final. A genuine guy with a haunting voice, who actually emotes when he sings (and isn't a self-indulgent, pseudo-deep arsehole like Aidan Grimshaw).
Matt also looks phwoar-geous after his make-over and is winner of the Olly Murs Surprise Fittie award.
Nicolo - A bit gas; a bit handsome. Nicolo has an oddly fascinating manner and sense of humour; he certainly isn't the stereotypical, fiery Italian. It is very hard to tell whether or not he is being sincere when he talks and I sometimes wonder whether this is because he doesn't understand everything that is being said to him.
Though labelled a diva, I think he is one of the most nervous contestants when performing.
Aidan - HATE HIM. He's so disingenuous and I can't stand his uncomfortable, spazzy performances. All the crazy facial expressions, the swaying and the drunken Mariah hands make for uneasy viewing. He also has demented eyes. His voice is alright but I would have liked chubby cinema employee, Paije, to have made the finals instead.
I foresee him being this year's Danyl Johnston, only twitchier.
Girls
Katie - Where to begin? Quite simply one of the most enraging personalities in reality TV history. She has a nauseatingly affected manner and dress sense and is every bit as pointless as that lace parasol she carried into her final audition in front of Cheryl and Will.I.Am.
In short, a pretentious, egotistical sap who has no musical talent or redeeming qualities of any kind. (However, one thing she does boast is a considerably large, masculine chin).
Cher - Undoubtedly one of, if not the, best first auditions of the series. Her rendition was 'right up my streeet' and '100% on the money', though her subsequent performances have failed to live up to that first audition. However if she Turns Her Swag On in the live shows, she could well be this year's winner.
On another note, she has a strange appearance and odd mannerisms. Reminds me of Dot from Eastenders, weirdly enough.
She is unique in every way and I look forward to seeing her next week.
Rebecca - Very pretty and endearing. Has a cute Liverpudlian accent and a lovely tone to her voice when she sings. Without a doubt she can sing ballads beautifully but I wonder if she'll have the personality and confidence for uptempo songs and dance routines. For this reason, I see her going the way of Stacey Solomon, ie. making it far but not winning.
However, maybe her suh-lammin' new weave will give her the confidence she needs? It looks just like the one they gave Alexandra Burke two years ago (and we all know how well she got on with hers).
Groups
1 Direction - Ah bless. I think band names with numbers in them are over but I'm willing to forgive them for that (I don't they came up with it anyway). I love the blonde culchie and the oddly serious, curly-haired, lead singer while Liam Payne looks like Justin Bieber's hotter-but-still-underage brother.
I predict they'll go far thanks to teenage girls (and not-so-teenage creeps!).
Bella Amie - Again, a fairly bad name but you can't really hold that against them. They seem like nice girls and I'm happy for them but I can't help but feel that Hustle would have been more entertaining (I can only imagine the amazing routines Brian Friedman would have put together for them...).
Maybe after Kandi Rain, Simon didn't want to chance it on another pack of slappers?
FYD - The best group, in my opinion and the first mixed-race British boyband that's caught the public's attention since Blue. Their image is good and there's only one minger (the one with the mohawk, obvs).
Looking forward to close harmonising, rap interludes and slick, synchronised dance routines. These boys will go far - they've got the eye of the tiger or something.
Over 28s
Mary Byrne - G'wan de Mareee! She's a fabiliss, salt o' de eart' woman who'll touch our hearts and make us weep more than once before her time on X Factor is over. (I can already picture Louis bawling when she is eliminated).
She has a lovely, warm personality and a powerful, emotive voice, however, I don't know if she'll be the most versatile of contestants.
Also, loving her foxy new fringe!
Storm Lee - A bit of a freak; a bit gas. He has a very good voice but there's something unstable about him. I anticipate that Simon is going to cut him down at every opportunity and that Storm will bite back. I like that he has an ego - too many humble people make for dull viewing.
They've made him over to look the Riddler from Batman... and I kinda like it. Obviously I don't fancy him or anything close to that, but somehow he pulls off the Rihanna-red hair and drawn-on eyebrows.
John Adeleye (the black guy with the hat) - Where did he come from? The first I saw of him he was performing Billionaire *shudder* in front of Sharon and Louis. This surely isn't a good sign.
He better pull out a personality or a sob story quick or he could be heading home very shortly.
So there you go - that was my verdict on this year's X Factor finalists.
PS. It's said if you're really quiet you might be able to hear the sound of Gamu's relations sticking pins into Cheryl Cole voodoo dolls.
On that note of casual racism, I bid you adieu!
Xoxo, Robinita ;)
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