Hey y'all, it's been a long time since I've wrote anything in this blog (truly nothing grinds my gears like the X Factor) but after watching Ireland's Euro Song competition on Friday, I knew I had to write about it. It's the Jedward effect!
For me, this year's Euro Song was amazing, despite (and also because of) RTÉ's attempts to ensure it was shit. On Friday morning I had read that show bosses had penalised Jedward by changing the breakdown of the voting because their record label had violated the rules of the competition by leaking a 30-second clip of their song Lipstick on the internet a few days before any entrant's song was allowed to be heard by the public. Instead of the voting being a 50/50 split between regional juries and callers as it was originally intended to be, the rules had been changed so that the breakdown would be two-thirds jury votes to one-third calls from the public, thus weighting the competition in favour of the other entrants who had less support from the public but were bound to fare better with juries who would focus more on singing ability etc. When I read this I instantly thought that Jedward would lose and that RTÉ had yet again found a way to fuck things up for everyone by deliberately not giving the people what they want (something for which the public broadcaster is known).
That night I sat down to watch the show with a feeling of trepidation; I knew the twins would have to knock it out of the park with their performance in order to have any chance of winning and I feared the regional juries would consist of conservative old farts with no sense of humour and no concept of what young people listen to nowadays. I watched as the panel of 'experts' were introduced: Marty Whelan (up for a laugh - will probably 'get' the lads and go easy on them); Cheryl Baker (seems like a fun lady - hopefully she'll feel motherly towards them); Brian 'ate all the pies' Kennedy (oh shit! Takes music and the Eurovision very seriously! Could be in trouble here...); and last and least, Mairéad 'NOT A COMEDIAN' Farrel (will probably 'say it like it is' - ie. be a bitch).
Before any of the acts had performed, Tubridy asked each of the judges what they thought we needed to do to win the Eurovision again. Marty and Cheryl both focused on how the competition had changed and how Eastern European bloc voting had made it virtually impossible for Old European countries to win (despite Norway and Germany being the winners from the past two years). Brian Kennedy bemoaned the rise of theatricality in favour of strong songs, citing Lordi's win in 2006 as a turning point, while Mairéad contradicted him by saying that since the reintroduction of juries a few years ago, the song is once again the most important element in a winning performance. Once she said that I suspected that she was not in favour of Jedward representing us; this suspicion was confirmed when she praised the first performance - Don Mescall's dated and powerfully meh Talking with Jennifer. All four panellists went easy on the song and its performer and commended Mescall for having co-written the track as if that somehow made it less shit.
Next up was Jedward. This came as a surprise to me as I had thought that Jedward would have gone last so as to keep viewers at home watching. My heart dropped - I assumed that they had been put in a bad slot to further hurt their chance of winning. However, their performance eased my worries - the twins looked well in matching shiny red jackets and while their vocals were weak, at least they weren't off-key. Belle Amie's Rebecca Creighton was on backing vocals, looking like Sonic the Hedgehog's ginger sister, and her and the other backing singers gave adequate sass, hitting their positions with gusto. The song was undoubtedly the catchiest of the five performed and considering that most viewers would be hearing the song for the first time on the night of the semi-finals, I think that catchiness is key.
After the performance, the panellists gave their critiques. Marty was mostly positive as was Cheryl while Brian criticised the song for sounding American and like the 'Broccoli Spears' song Womanizer (after that little quip, a deathly silence followed and tumbleweed blew across the studio floor). Mairéad was also critical of the song but was incapable of articulating her dislike, preferring to giggle bitchily and repeatedly say that it was a 'funny song'. Yeah love, you know what was also funny? Your hair colour. It wasn't blonde; it wasn't brown; it wasn't even caramel. If you ask me, someone with hair that brassy has no right to pass judgement on anyone else.
I'm not even gonna lie, I didn't see the next two performances but, by the looks of it, I didn't miss much. The third act was the hilariously named Bling, a mixed four-piece group who are one part Scooch and one part naff choral group, who performed a song called Shine On. They were followed by The Vard Sisters, a menopausal three-piece vocal group who sang the schmaltzy Send Me An Angel.
The final act to perform was Nikki Kavanagh, singing the surprisingly strong Falling. Her voice was powerful and she had the vocal range for the very Eurovision-sounding power ballad. It was clearly the panel's favourite with Marty commenting that the song would go down well with Eastern European voters and all four panellists praising her strong vocals. Mairéad was the only one who had any problems with the performance, saying that the dancers on stage were an unnecessary distraction and should be done away with. She said that Nikki should just stand and sing and that she didn't need anything else, which showed just how much she knows about Eurovision (when was the last time a winner stood still and won?).
The half-time show was Buck's Fizz (now down to three members - did the other guy die?) performing their hit Making Your Mind Up. Thirty years on from their Eurovision win, the ladies were still brave enough to whip off their skirts. In fairness to them, they had good figures for their age and Cheryl took it all in good fun.
After that performance, it was time for former Eurovision presenters, Mary Kennedy and Cynthia Ní Mhurchú to come out and help fill time. Mary was warm and good-humoured and was wearing a suitably glam dress, however, Cynthia's manner was frosty, her dress was literally like something one would wear to a funeral and her attempts at sarcasm were nothing short of excruciating. (After watching a clip of her and Gerry Ryan presenting the Eurovision in 1994, Cynthia quipped, "This is where you're supposed to tell me that I haven't aged a day since then", to which Tubridy spluttered that he would have said that if she'd given him a chance. Cynthia, sensing that the audience hadn't picked up on the sarcasm of the remark, responded by cackling shrilly to emphasise that it was a joke and she wasn't actually a cunt).
Whereas the singing competition was a two-horse race, the real competition was between the guests for who could be the least funny. Brian Kennedy's 'Broccoli Spears' quip was the early front runner but Cynthia blew him out of the water with her aforementioned groaner and then later when she sarcastically replied to Tubridy after he asked her whether she'd gotten a lot of attention from the public after presenting the Eurovision. "Oh no, not at all. Nobody said a thing to me," she 'joked'. Then, sensing that the remark had gone down like a fart in a lift, she employed her high-pitched cackle to yet again make it clear that yes, she was joking and no, she really wasn't a cunt. (Later in her interview, she talked about how she had re-trained after presenting the Eurovision and how she now works as a barrister. Smart move, love - you definitely don't have a personality for TV).
After Cynthia and Mary left, the lines closed and the fun part began - the voting. Tubridy explained that the acts were going to be awarded scores by each of the six regional juries; four points for fifth, six for fourth, eight for third, ten for second and DOUZE PWAAN for first - making the maximum score from juries 72 points. The votes from calls would be twelve points for fifth place, eighteen for fourth, twenty-four for third, thirty for fifth and 36 points for whoever came first. The results came in from the juries and, predictably enough, Nikki Kavanagh got four douze pwaans while Jedward got the other two (the only surprise being that the ghastly Talking with Jennifer got ten points from two juries. That said, they were from Galway and Sligo and we all know they're a bit funny out Wesht).
Satisfyingly, the result was a nail-biter with Nikki leading Jedward by four points before the phone votes were revealed, meaning that Jedward could still win if they received the most support from the public. At this point a part of me was saying, 'It's in the bag' while another part of me was worrying whether some horrid anti-Jedward facebook campaign had mobilised the haters to vote for Nikki. Thankfully, there is more love than hate in our nation and Jedward were given douze pwaan by the people (or trawnt-cease pwaan, rather).
The result restored my fate in Ireland and in democracy. Literally everyone is a winner in this situation... besides the other four entrants, obvs.
After Tubs announced that Jedward had won the competition by the slimmest of margins, the anger and discontent in the studio was palpable. So much so that before Jedward skipped out of the green room, he had to remind the audience that regardless of how they felt about it, the boys had won the competition and won it fairly. Now, what I love most about Jedward is that they walked - well, jumped - into a seriously hostile atmosphere and yet they didn't give one single shit. They had won and therefore they were delighted - they didn't let the fact that the majority of the audience weren't applauding them get them down and nor should they. They had managed to win despite the national broadcaster's best efforts to thwart them.
Fair fucks to Jedward! Their awesomeness triumphed over RTÉ's awfulness and, if nothing else, they will put on a show-stopping performance in May and get a guaranteed douze points from Royaume Uni (if indeed we make it to the final).
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