The year in TUNEZ!

2010 had a lot to live up to after 2009 provided such class-A tunes as Million Dollar Bill (Freemasons remix, obvs), Tik Tok and Sexy Bitch, but it proved to be another tune-full year, with ballads basically becoming extinct (unless you're Westlife or Take That). 2010 was also an auto-tuneful year, with such super-successful acts as Ke$ha, Taio Cruz and The Black Eyed Peas all (over)using it on their hits.

Here are 16 tunes that made me lose my manners - and my mind - on the dancefloor in OH10.

1. Ricki Lee - Can't Touch It. A song so amazing, it made us all want to go to SATC 2 even though the first film was meh and the second one clearly didn't have a plot. This song has the ability to make me feel excited about absolutely anything.

Doctor: You need to go for a prostrate exam.

Me: What?!

Doctor: "HEY-EH-EH-EH BABY!"

Me: (jumps up) "Let's do this thing!"

Ricki's vocals are incredible and she looks like the kind of girl you'd want to go razzing with.

I had hoped I Am... Sasha Fierce would be full of songs like this but alas, it was a ballad-fest.

Also, love the West Coast Cooler ad-esque video and the fit, beanie-wearing love interest.

Best bit: "HEY-EH-EH-EH BABY! LEMME SEE YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR!"

2. Lil' Jon feat. Kee - Give It All You Got. Heard it for the first time in July when I was on a plane from New York to Dublin. I was on my own and beyond exhausted, but this song gave me back the will to live. I FUCKIN' LOVE LIL' JON! I hate it when people complain, saying that all he does is shout - yeah? So what? If my shout was that amazing, I'd go around shouting all the time as well.

Best bit: "YYEAH! I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME THE CLUB CLOSE! (WHASSUP!)"

Tinie Tempah feat. Labyrinth - Frisky. The best song from this year's biggest, new British act. The "la la la la" bit gets stuck in my head, but never makes me want to kill myself like other melodies that get stuck there. Eg. "I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth" and "alouette-wetta-wetta, alouette-wetta-wetta".

Best bit: "Would you risk it for a chocolate biscuit?"

Ke$ha - Your Love is My Drug. "Maybe I need some rehab? / Or maybe just need some sleep..." - from the first line, this song is a classic and it just doesn't let up with amazing lines such as "My speech is going to be affected/ If I keep it up like a love-sick crack-head."

There is a carefree abandon to the song's production - with a refreshing lack of autotune for her. Like Ke$ha herself, the song is a loveable mess.

Best bit: when she says "I like your beard" and giggles at the end of the song.

Ke$ha - We R Who We R. Unpretentious euphoric electro-pop. When this comes on in a club, it goes off! Ke$ha has this knack of making me smile - the beats in her songs are big and happy and her lyrics are always memorable. She has hit on a formula which is so simple, it's genius: killer beat + gas lyrics + Autotune = HIT.

Best bit: "We're sellin' our clothes, sleepin' in cars/ Dressin' it down, hittin' on dudes - HARD."

Taio Cruz feat. Ke$ha - Dirty Picture. Brilliant collabo from two of OH10's most ubiquitous popstars. Whoever thought of making Ke$ha dance on a filthy jaxx in the video is a genius!

Best bit: "Whenever you are gone I just wanna be with ya/ Please don't get me wrong, I just wanna see your picture."

Fun fact: Sundai from cycle 13 of America's Next Top Model (midget cycle) features in the video.

Katy Perry - Peacock. It's not clever, it's not original, but it's an absolute tune. Like many of the best songs, I fell in love with it for the first time when it came on in The George.

Best bit: "Are you brave enough to lemme see your peacock?/ Don't be a chicken, boy, stop actin' like a biatch/ Ima peace out if you don't give me the pay-off/ (Come on baby let me see what you hiding underneath)"

Katy Perry - Supernatural. Katy Perry's tribute to T.A.T.U turns out to be quite a tune.

Best bit: "Kiss me, k-k-kiss me/ Infect me with your love and fill me with your poison".

Katy Perry - California Gurls. The undisputed song of the summer. Melodically, it borrows quite heavily from Ke$ha's Tik Tok (sing the choruses of both songs one after the other - it'll make you gasp) but there are enough differences to make up for that. It also has fun lyrics and one of (if not the) best pop videos of the year.

Best bit: "Fine, fresh, fierce - we've got it on lock."

Lady Gaga feat. Beyoncé - Telephone. While the video was overblown and self-indulgent (and featured a sickening amount of product placement), there's no taking away from the song itself. The lyrics are brilliant in a 'wow - their singing about my life!' way and the Beyoncé section is nothing short of breathtaking.

Best bit: "THE WAY YOU BLOWIN' UP MAH PHONE WON'T MAKE ME LEAVE NO FASTER! PUT MAH COAT ON FASTER - LEAVE MAH GIRLS NO FASTER! SHOULDA LEFT MAH PHONE AT HOME COS THIS IS A DISASTER! CALLIN' LIKE A COLLECTOR - SORRY I CANNOT ANSWER!"

Rihanna - Rude Boy. At the end of the day, all the best songs are about sex.

Best bit: "Do you like it? Cos I want want want what you want want want/ Give it to me, baby, like boom boom boom!"

Rihanna - Only Girl. Back with her fourth album, Rihanna was keen to show that she was over feeling shit about Chris Brown and ready to rock out, half-naked with a Ronald McDonald weave on her head. Welcome back, gurl!

Best bit: When the beat kicks in after the middle eight. "Make it last all niiight (explosion sound)/ WANT YOU TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M THE ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD!"

Rihanna feat. Drake - What's My Name. A song I thought was shit until Rihanna appeared on X Factor and threw off her robe. What a moment in pop culture!

Best bit: "Hey boy, I really wanna see if you can go down-town with a girl like me."

Hurts - Wonderful Life (Freemasons remix). There's something late-nineties/early-noughties dance about the beats. Reminds me of Chicane. A haunting piece of music.

Best bit: "Don't. Let. Go. / Never give up - it's such a wonderful life."

Deadmaus feat. Neon Hitch - Can't Behave Myself. Deadmaus has gone more mainsteam with this tune - teaming up with mate of Ke$ha and ex-roommate of Amy Winehouse, Neon Hitch, who's tipped to be big next year (cos there's such a lack of solo female vocalists atm...).

Best bit: When the Scissor Sisters riff comes in at the beginning of the song.

And there you have it! I'm Robinita - that was the year in tunez.

Here's to a tune-ful 2011!

Usher feat. will.i.am - OMG. Sorry, I don't know what E I was on at the time I compiled that list, but I somehow left this song out! While I can't pick my number one tune of the year, OMG is definitely in my top three. The song is perfectly constructed and has every element of a pop anthem; the synths create a sense of mystery and suspense while the drums and the football chanting hit you on a visceral level and give the song a tribal feel.

It's Usher's best song since Yeah! and easily will.i.am's best work of OH10.

Best bit: "You make me wanna say oh oh oh-oh, oh oh oh oh-oh, oh oh oh oh-oh, oh oh oh my gosh (beat kicks in, crowd goes wild, it all goes off)"

Final X Factor post - Sunday's show and best of series

After being on our TV screens for almost four months, X Factor 2010 is finally over. And I have to say, even though Matt didn't bring his 'A' game in the last couple of shows, he was the most consistent contestant and he did have the two best performances of the series (Nights in White Satin and First Time Ever I Saw Your Face). 1 Direction may have been more exciting and loveable and Rebecca may have been more unique, but Matt is a talented guy and not an unworthy winner. To be honest, I was more happy for Dannii than Matt when Dermot read out his name - she has worked hard and acted with such dignity throughout this travesty of a series, and while Cheryl's and Simon's approval ratings have plummeted, she has quietly won the public's respect and admiration. Also, she looked stunning on Sunday in that shimmering, white, plunging gown. Go Dannii! Nice power!

As far as Sunday night's performances are concerned, I thought all three acts did a fairly good job. Matt's version of Firework was quite good, even if he was wearing tight, lime green trousers and there wear scary, blue-clad dancers on stage who were wearing rugby headgear and trying to do synchronised swimming out of water. (Seriously, what goes on in Brian Friedman's mind?).

Rebecca's performance of Sweet Dreams was pretty cool - I loved it when the beat kicked in! It carried on from where Show Me Love left off and I thought it was a smart song choice.

I thought she looked great in that short, gold dress, but I wasn't sure about her dark lipstick and Queen Amidala hair. I suppose they were going for a futuristic kind of look...

1 Direction's final *sob* X Factor performance was a great one. Natalie Imbruglia's Torn was the song that they sang at their judge's house and, yet again, Harry shone, giving an emotional performance . It was a brilliant last performance and though I was gutted (and shocked!) that they didn't make the top two, I've no doubt that they'll go on to pop superstardom (on this side of the Atlantic, at least).

Anyhoo, you know the rest: Rebecca and Matt sang their X-Factor-winner-sounding X Factor winner songs and Take That sang The Flood. Again. But while last night's show wasn't that exciting as X Factor final's go, some very interesting things happened after the show on Xtra Factor. First of all, Konnie Huq revealed who Nicole Scherzinger, Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell predicted who would win the show back when they were in bootcamp and Nicole and Simon both picked Gamu! Cheryl Cole's expression said it all; it was as if she had been kicked in the mouth. PRICELESS. Konnie then went on to announce the contestants who had placed first and second after each live show this year and, excluding the first week when Mary Byrne got the most votes, Matt was top every week. Interestingly, 1 Direction were never in the top two and Katie got the second highest amount of votes the week before she sent home (people must have really liked her new hair). It just goes to show that teenage girls aren't as silly as we thought; they might scream themselves hoarse for 1 Direction but they don't spend all their credit on voting for them.

Best and worst of X Factor 2010

Anyway, with the recap of Sunday's show over with, I thought I'd give out some awards to the heroes and villains of this year's competition.

Best judge: Dannii Minogue

Worst judge: Chermon (the super-smug, two-headed beast that sits to Dannii's left)

Olly Murs-style surprise fittie: Matt Cardle

Biggest fittie: Zain (with Aiden Grimshaw a close second)

Cheekiest chappie: Harry Styles

Least rideable member of 1 Direction: Niall Horan

Least loveable member of 1 Direction: Liam Payne

Best performance by a contestant: First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, Matt Cardle

Best facial expressions: Niall Horan

Contestant I'd least like to meet in a dark alley: Cher Lloyd

Contestant most likely to end up in an insane asylum: Katie Waissel

Contestant who ate all the pies: Paije Richardson/Mary Byrne

Contestant for whom I'd most like to make shepherd's pie: Niall Horan

Contestant who I'd most like to make me shepherd's pie: Mary Byrne

Brian Friedman's best stage show: Barbara Streisand, Diva Fever. Homoerotic beach party on a family show? Genius!

Brian Friedman's worst stage show: Don't Speak, Katie Waissel. Horrific. Well, in fairness, that was the week Katie took creative control (and the week she should have been sent home).

Best celeb performance: What's My Name, Rihanna. I respect a girl who just gets naked when she wants to.

Worst celeb performance: Nothing to rival Whitney's shambolic turn last year or Britney in 2008, but The Wanted's dodgy dodgem routine was pretty fucking weak.

Biggest injustice: Gamu not being chosen as one of Cheryl's girls

Second biggest injustice: Aiden being sent home in place of Katie in week 6

Sky's the limit: 1 Direction

Going, going, gone: Cheryl Cole

I'm going to leave you with a choice quote from a friend of mine who summed up this series of the X Factor beautifully: "Simon and Cheryl think they are the show but really, they are the worst thing about it."

On that note, goodbye!

Hope you've enjoyed the X Factor posts!

Mwah!

Xoxo, Robinita ;)

Penultimate post on X Factor final: Saturday's show

It's been a long, looong road, but the X Factor is almost over for another year. I tuned into last night's show more with resignation than excitement, but the show was actually less tedious and full of padding than I expected so I was actually reasonably entertained.

I began watching the show wishing with all my heart that Cher would be voted off (I expected she would but there was also a part of me that thought, 'This is the same shit series that saw Katie Waissel last for eight weeks - who knows what horrific injustices are in store?'), but I thought she performed quite well and was actually better than Matt and 1 Direction on the night. Obviously, she was never going to win the competition but I thought that Cher left on a good note and redeemed herself somewhat by how she carried herself last night. I think she made the show more interesting and went as far as she deserved to go.

In terms of X Fashion, both female judges opted for full-length dresses; Dannii wearing a pretty but unspectacular red number, while Cheryl wore a cream, diamante encrusted, off-the-shoulder gown which showed neither leg nor cleavage :O Dannii looked better, obvs; I wasn't a fan of Cheryl's wet, slicked-back hair. Did she come straight from the shower or what?

The group song saw the final 16 reunited and was predictably awful. What a Feeling? What a Load of Shit! Katie wore what can only be described as American football armour fashioned out of a disco ball. Cher's rap was sort of cringey - she kept going on about musical chairs and I had no idea what it had to do with the song and whether she had written it herself or lifted it from another song. Rebecca sounded well and looked the most animated I've ever seen her, while Matt sounded poor for him and 1 Direction were 1 Direction.

Round 1 - Solos

Matt was the first up, and watching his VT, I thought (not for the first time) that he lacked something behind the eyes. He doesn't have the warmth or the joi de vivre that one looks for in a winner. As far as his first performance is concerned, I thought singing a Dido song was a bad move. When you're an artist who airs on the beige side, the last thing you should do is sing a song by the beige overlord. Watching him, I thought 'This is NOT how you win the X Factor!'; the song choice was naff and his voice didn't sound fully recovered.

It wasn't one of my favourite Matt performances and it was a lukewarm start to the show.

Rebecca - Watching her VT, I thought, 'Aw, she's a lovely woman!' and also, 'Cheryl is clearly not as pro-Rebecca as she is pro-Cher'. I thought Rebecca's speech to students in her old school was heartfelt and touching; her personality has blossomed into the personality of an X Factor winner (unlike Matt).

I thought the song choice was perfect; Corinne Bailey Rae's Just Like a Star is an absolutely beautiful song and its laid-back, soulful sound suited Rebecca down to the ground. I thought she was performing better than usual; she was looking out at the audience and giving charming smiles. Her vocals were great and she looked amazing in her long, ruched, beige dress (so on trend!). The only thing I didn't like about the performance was when those male dancers came out and spun the platform on which she was standing around; it mocked the fact that she never moves when she performs. That said, it was still my favourite solo performance; she is peaking at a perfect time.

I thought Dannii's comment about how she hoped this was the start of Rebecca's confidence was so nice! However, I wasn't so keen on Cheryl's tears; she's such a manipulative cunt.

1 Direction - After they 'smashed' Elton John's Something About the Way You Look Tonight, I thought them performing Your Song would be magical, but it wasn't. It was a safe move and it didn't move me like some of their other performances. It seemed like they weren't fully present.

That said, I loved Liam's Bieber hair flick when he was trying to get the artificial snow off his head and, let's be honest, when you've got crazed teenage girl fans, there's no stopping you.

Cher - Is it just me or was there a real disconnect between Cher and her family in the VT? It came across like Cher wasn't that close to anyone at home.

She performed YET ANOTHER MASH-UP, but I respect her for singing a Missy Elliot song on the X Factor (cos let's be honest, what other contestant ever would?).

It was quite good - entertaining, unlike Matt or 1 Direction's solo performances.

Round 2 - Duets

Matt - Again, I didn't think the song choice was very good; there are better songs than Murderer in Rihanna's back catalogue. I thought that Matt sounded quite sharp at the beginning of the song and when Rihanna joined him I just thought they were an odd pairing; she is clearly not someone who influences him musically. I thought her hair was hilarious (Sideshow Bob called...) and it served to make her look even taller than him than she already is, which was unfortunate.

I didn't think there was any chemistry between the two of them, despite what the judges said, and I think that she is too sexual to be a good match with Matt.

Rebecca - I wasn't sure about her multi-coloured shawl thingie but I thought she sang very well in the beginning. However, when Ms Aguilera came on stage, she was kind of forgotten about - I forgot how incredible Christina's voice was! Sure, she was dressed a little sluttily and she is a bit fat at the moment, but they're the only flaws people can pick out of her performance because she sounded amazing.

It wasn't an Alexandra and Beyoncé moment but I think that was down to Rebecca's shyness and the fact that they didn't have as much time to sing this year. (Can you imagine how incredible it would have been had they gotten to sing the middle eight! Rebecca: "The sun will always"; Christina: "Always!" Together: "SHI-I-I-I-INE!" *Robinita faints*).

It was short of spectacular, but nonetheless, it was my favourite of the duets.

1 Direction - I thought She's The One was a great song choice and I liked their multi-coloured suits (Zain looking especially well in racing green *swoon!*). Personally, Robbie Williams was the least exciting of the duet artists for me and while he is praised for being 'so involved' with his duet partners, I think it the way he interacted with Olly Murs last year and 1 Direction this year made him look desperate and amateurish. I also didn't think 1 Direction sounded that good; they're harmonies were off.

Also, how gauche is Niall? He's like an over-excited puppy the way he jumps up on people. I love how Robbie picked him up and then put him down and got as far away from him as possible.

Cher - When I heard that Will.I.Am was duetting with Cher, I imagined it would be one of the most overblown performances in X Factor history, but there were no gimmicks to be seen. No robots; no pyrotechnics; no Nicki Minaj being lowered onto the stage from the ceiling. Personally, I thought that Cher sounded better singing Where Is the Love? by herself than she did singing I Gotta Feeling with Will.

It was a disappointing enough performance and I lay the blame with Will.I.Am, who didn't interact with Cher very well in my opinion. Well, I guess he is a robot so it's no surprise he doesn't have the human touch...

As far as the celebrity performances are concerned, I thought both Rihanna and X-Tina sang well and put on a good show. My lord, Rihanna is a whore! I thought her performance was brilliant and her stage presence and live vocals have come on lots since she first came on the scene.

Christina was also great. I usually prefer it when she sings ballads but she gave the performance socks and her voice held up really well (if anything it was her matted extensions that let her down. I wonder if she has the same hairdresser as Britney?).

Overall, I thought Rebecca was the best; she gave my favourite solo and duet performances. Silver would probably go to Cher, as I thought 1 Direction didn't give their all and Matt had an off night (on the last bloody night you would want to have one!).

I predict 1 Direction will win the competition and Rebecca will come second based on last night's performances, but I wouldn't be surprised Matt's fans outnumber Ms Fergusons.

Anyhoo, that's all for now; there'll be more tomorrow!

Hope you enjoyed this post.

Love, Robinita ;)

X Factor: Mah verdict on semi-final & results

Ugh, let me start off by saying that this year's show has killed X Factor for me. In previous years, I was addicted to the show but I loved it; this year, I'm addicted to the show, but I HATE it, and I hate myself for watching it.

Anyhoo, on to Saturday's show which was alright, if a little underwhelming in my opinion. In terms of the judges' appearances, Simon had gotten a haircut and I thought he looked younger with shorter bristles; Cheryl looked like a geisha, with white foundation and too-red lipstick (bless her), while Dannii looked stunning with flawless natural make-up and her hair pinned back. It was her best look of the series so far - bravo!

Round 1 - Club Classics

Rebecca kicked off the show with her Club Classic song, Robin S's transcendent Show Me Love. It was a great song choice and it suited Rebecca's voice - I particularly liked when she sang "You've got to giveittome giveittome giveittome yeah!" Rebecca looked very well, and was thankfully dressed a lot younger than usual, in a monochrome outfit. It was her best performance so far but, being Rebecca, she was very still and she didn't sing with any passion. That said, it was much more entertaining than her usual performances.

Mary - Something was off with this performance from the beginning. She didn't seem comfortable with the dancing or the fast tempo of the song, and while her voice sounded good, she didn't sell the song like she usually does. Also, her outfit was quite dowdy (fat chicks don't have to always wear black!) and visually she didn't fit in with her dancers in their hot pink outfits.

Sadly, Mary messed up at the end of the song and came in two bars before she was supposed to (but did any of the judges pick up on that? Hell no! I doubt any of them know what a bar is in musical terms). It pains me to say, but it was a shoddy performance and the worst of the Club Classics.

Matt - You've Got The Love was a GREAT song choice. It was obvious that he was quite ill and his vocals weren't up to his usual standard, but Matt is a pro and was able to build energy as the song progressed, making for a moving finish. There were a couple of rough notes but all things taken into account, he did very well and it was the best of the Club Classics (even if his rendition was more Florence than Candi Staton).

Cher - Nothin' On You was a good song choice but a bit on the 'bloody typical' side. She looked quite well in a tuxedo and it was refreshing to see her not look so 'urban'. She started off well but she lacks Matt's gift for pacing himself and ending on a high, and so the energy of her performance dipped. With Cher, you have the sense that the audience aren't with her because her performances are so self-aware and self-indulgent.

1 Direction - Only Girl was a brilliant song choice for them, but the boys' movements were out of sync and their harmonies were the worst they've ever been. They're loveable as fuck, but there's no denying that it was a sloppy performance and a big missed opportunity.

Round 2 - Ballads

Matt - Always A Woman To Me was a naff song choice, while the illuminated stairs and the dry ice made it seem that Matt had died of his fever and gone to Heaven. He hit a fair few bum notes and it was his worst performance so far, but that said, the man was dying.

I look forward to a healthy Matt 'smashing it' in the final.

Mary - I was in two minds about whether The Way We Were was a good song choice or too predictable. Her voice wasn't completely secure at the start of the song but she overcame her nerves and it was a moving performance in the end. It was unfortunate that she broke down before the last line of the song, especially because Mary's last note is often her best.

Much better than her Club Classic.

Cher - Love The Way You Lie was a brave song choice (especially when she had to be both Rihanna and Eminem) but it was a risk that didn't pay off. Her tuning was bad from the start, with her voice sounding weak and pitchy throughout. It was a cringey performance and her rapping was more like shouting.

I couldn't believe it when the little smunt disregarded Dannii's criticism, as if to say 'I don't give a fuck what you say - I know that was amazing'. Cher is so in love with herself that she thinks everything she does is incredible just because she did it. She thinks she's the Messiah of British culture - 'I'm the future of British music; I say ballads have been done and rapping, gurning and Mariah-style ornamentation is in' - but she's never going to be a great artist if she's not self-critical.

Also, where does she get off thinking she's so original? She sang someone else's song like every other contestant did - does she think that by choosing songs that are currently in the charts she's doing something radically different? Or is it that she thinks she's the first female rapper to come out of Britain? If so, I've got two words for her: 'Lady' and 'Sovereign'. She's the original white English chavette who raps so don't give yourself too much credit, mini-Chez.

Cheeky little cunt, I was delighted that she landed in the bottom two.

Rebecca - SO boring. Who needs sleeping pills when you can listen to Rebecca singing Amazing Grace?

1 Direction - It was much better than their first song. Chasing Cars was a good song choice - it was contemporary, emotive and the vocals were solid (with Harry singing a particularly lovely harmony in the second chorus).

The best performance of the night. I've a feeling they'll win the competition...

Overall, I thought 1 Direction were the best of the night, followed by Matt.

The results

Onto the results show, I thought Alexandra Burke was fairly amazing. Her voice was powerful and impressive, even if the song was a bit naff and her hair was awful. I loved when she rose into the air at the end - it made it a real X Factor performance. Next up were the cast of Glee and, to be honest, the performance was a bit strange for me - the beginning was definitely a bit confused and while the singing was good, I didn't know what was live and what was pre-recorded and there was no wow choreography. (Also, where was Kurt?). Last and least, were the Black Eyed Peas with their piss-take of a new single, The Time (Dirty Bit). They looked like fools, Fergie's vocals were painful and someone should tell Will.I.Am he's not a robot and to stop looking and acting like a gobshite.

In the sing-off, I thought Mary was much better than pitchy and tearful Cher. I was hoping that Dannii would get Cher back for disrespecting her on Saturday's show, but Dannii did what Simon and Cheryl wanted her to do (after all, how is she going to become part of the cool crowd if she does things that make them angry?).

I fucking hate this show. I think Simon, Cheryl, Katie and Cher should all be put in a space rocket and blasted into the sun.

On that cheerful note, I bid you adieu.

Hope you enjoyed this post!

Xoxo, Robinita ;)

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 8 & results

I thought this week's show was quite good; the rock theme wasn't adhered to very well, but that's to be expected at this stage. But while the performances were better than usual, there was plenty to hate about the judges. First of all, the salute Cheryl gives when Dermot calls her name on the results show is really starting to grate on me. You just know she's there, thinking, "Ah'm a geenius for makin' this saluute me trademaark!" I also hated when she said that Cher 'smashed it' after her first performance. Simon did his usual - going out on a limb, praising Katie, trying to convince viewers that her performances weren't desperate and shambolic - while Louis was stuck on repeat, telling each and every act that he loved them and that the public should vote for them.

In terms of fashion, Cheryl looked a lot better than she has recently. The extensions were out and she had ditched the mingin' plum shade in favour of a much more flattering mahogany colour. Dannii looked alright on Saturday, but her dress was a cheap shade of red that didn't suit her. Meanwhile, she looked desperate on Sunday night - her hair looked like a cross between a lion's mane and the sun and her big, gold disc earrings looked tacky. Also, I thought that Louis's hair was too dark this week. (He's really going to town with the Just For Men this year!).

On to the music, Wagner had a good week, so of course he was booted off. He sounded surprisingly well on his first song, Radiohead's Creep; it was a very apt song for him to sing and he gave an emotive vocal. All in all, it was an oddly beautiful performance! He is a class act. Also, FUCK THOSE FUCKING CUNTS WHO BOOED HIM IN THE AUDIENCE.

For his second song, Wagner sang Robert Palmer's Addicted To Love. It was another good song choice but the staging should have been more OTT. He looked well in his suit, but again, it wasn't extravagant enough! If ever there was a time he should have come out wearing a lion suit, it was this week. Again, fuck those booing bastards!

1 Direction - It was a fairly standard performance for them. I didn't think Summer of '69 was a good song choice for them - there's something daft about 16-year-olds singing a nostalgic song. I doubt they even remember the summer of '99... Not up there with their best performances but to use a Cowell analogy, they're like pizza - even when they're bad, they're still quite good.

They went all slow and unrock for their second song, Joe Cocker's You Are So Beautiful. I thought it was a bit of a meh song choice but the vocals were quite good - with Zain even managing to stay in tune! (On an unrelated note, HE is so beautiful...)

Nice, but forgettable.

Mary - She looked well and All I Want Is You was a good song choice (me heart broke when she said her daughter's fadder was the only love of her life). It was a restrained performance for her and I was glad she didn't shout her way through the song (as she's prone to do, sometimes). I was happy when the gospel singers and the fireworks came out - finally, Mary's pullin' out de big guns! I like that she sang a (more) contemporary song and that she's stepping up her performances.

For her second song, Mary went midtempo with Brass In Pockets, and for the first time, she had movement in her performance. She looked great with her long, sleek ponytail and it was good to see her fun side. I wasn't surprised to see her in the bottom two, but I was happy to see her progress to the semi-final, even if it was at the expense of Wagner.

Cher - For her first song, she sang the Lil' Mama remix of Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend (which is a guilty pleasure of mine). If I was being all Louis about it, I'd say it's more of a pop/hip-hop song than rock but, as we know, themes don't matter on this show. Of course, Simon had never heard that version of the song and gave Cher credit for coming up with the rap. Grrrr... The rapping was solid and impressively fast, but I thought her singing was fairly shit. To be honest, I know I can't critique her performances objectively because I just hate her so much. I hate her more than anything in this damn worlddddddd!

She sang Run DMC's and Aerosmiths's Walk This Way for her second performance and again, though while she was full of confidence and energy, I was blinded by how much I detest her. Personally, I find her performances way too self-absorbed; she doesn't want to please the audience, she just wants to get off on her own 'badassness'.

Basically, if you take away her ego, all you have is an ugly, shallow girl with a mediocre voice (who admittedly can rap). Ugh, she's a fucking scourge!

Rebecca - For her first song, she sang U2's Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For and sucked the passion out of it till it sounded like The Lighthouse Family. She really couldn't be blander if she tried, could she? Also, I hate the way Louis says the same thing to her every week - "I hope everyone in Liverpool votes for you!" Oh shut up, you redundant fool.

On to her second song, which was Rolling Stone's I Can't Get No Satisfaction. Rebecca was flanked by two dancers, both going ninety to give the impression that she herself was moving (which as we all know, she is incapable of doing while singing simultaneously). She took one of the most exciting, fun rock anthems of all time and turned it into a bland, Motown number. It was yet another inert performance and, as much as I hate Cher, I would have preferred if Rebecca had left the competition with Katie tonight because she is just so terrifically boring.

There is no passion or vitality within her; if you took away the timbre of her voice, she'd be nothing.

Matt - While I wasn't sure I Love Rock and Roll was the best song choice (after all, he has sung a lot of girls' songs already) I appreciate that, yet again, he got out of his comfort zone and put on a show. The vocal was strong and while he's still too shy to pull off a fun or sexy performance, at least he's trying (that's aimed at you, Rebecca).

For his second song, Matt performed Moody Blue's Knight's In White Satin. It was a risky song choice because it's an old song, that younger viewers aren't familiar, but Matt 'smashed it'. A beautiful, epic song and Matt's voice soared.

Quite simply: stunning. He is the only exceptionally talented contestant in the competition.

Katie - Her first performance was as bad as you'd expect Katie Waissel singing Sex On Fire to be. She didn't have the range for the song and she should have known better than to take on such a big song (especially one that isn't great anyway). What a fucking mess of a performance. What a fucking mess of a human being. She should be sectioned.

For her second song, Elf Man sang Everybody Hurts (I wanted to hurt Cheryl when she made an 'about to cry' face at the beginning of the song). Fittingly, it was a painful performance.

I was relieved when Katie was eliminated and I'm glad she didn't get to perform in another sing-off (she probably would have doused herself in petrol and threatened to set herself alight if they didn't vote her through).

What a fucking scourge she's been! Oh well, if she doesn't get a record contract, she could always make a name for herself making pornos with her granny!

Onto the results show, I found The Wanted to be wanting (and fairly fucking ugly!) while Justin Bieber danced well but was obviously miming (though I suppose Usher IS his mentor). I watched his Xtra Factor interview and his personality is sooooo dull! "I think it's important to always remember where you came from and, um, always put God first". Listen here, you little shit - answers like that might score you points in America, but over this side of the Atlantic that Christian bullshit doesn't fly.

As for Nicole Scherzinger, I thought her performance was daft, noisy and try-hard in the extreme. While I think it's admirable that she sang live, her voice didn't sound good and as the song's already very busy, it ended up sounding a mess. Also, I hated her softly-spoken, humble-little-girl act when Dermot spoke to her after her performance. You're a glorified lapdancer, love - stop acting like butter wouldn't melt.

I expected Katie and Wagner would both go this week and I predict Mary and Cher will be voted off in next week's show. To be honest, I think that this year's X Factor has been the worst series yet. Dannii is the only judge I can stand (and I still only think she's okay), while the other three are unbearable - forever talking shite and pushing their own agendas.

Also, this series has seriously weakened superlatives. The words 'amazing', 'incredible' and 'world class' have been bandied about so much by the judges that they now all mean 'grand' in my mind.

Another reason I've hated this series is because it has unleashed the monsters that are Katie Waissel and Cher Lloyd on us. I've a horrible feeling the latter is going to have a career after the show and, quite frankly, I'm dreading the dozens of Cher collaborations that are going to be inflicted on us in the next year or two.

I can't wait for the show to wrap up in two weeks' time (if there's a God, Matt or 1 Direction will win) - I'm over Cheryl and Simon and I hope to God I have the resolve not to get sucked into it again.

Anyhoo, sorry for the vitriol, but this show really has enraged me this year.

Hope you've enjoyed this post anyway!

Love, Robinita ;)

Wagner forever <3

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 7 & results

First of all - oh my fucking God, I hate Cheryl Cole so much! The smug cunt showed her rough side on Saturday night's show, making a personal attack on Wagner - who DARED to say she was anything other than the most talented and most beautiful woman in Britain to a journalist. It was inappropriate, unprofessional and a blatant attempt to get Wagner sent home. I thought he defended himself beautifully and showed her up for the nasty, egotistical funt she is. GO ON DE WAG! I have to say, one great thing about being in Scandinavia was not seeing Cheryl Cole's face on any newspapers or magazines; she truly is the scourge of the British Isles.

Anyway, as far as fashion goes, Cheryl was as gaudy as ever in what looked like an ice-skating costume (though her tits didn't look as strangled as last week), while Dannii was borderline dowdy in a brown, Grecian gown. Seriously ladies, what are you paid for?

On to the performances: Matt kicked things off with an uncharacteristically upbeat and raunchy performance of Come Together. His voice sounded a bit strange at the beginning of the song - like he had something caught in his throat - but I think he was putting a growl to his voice to sound extra manly and virile. He didn't look that comfortable but he sounded well and it was nice to hear his lower register and see him get out of his comfort zone. I thought he looked good in his vest but personally I wish he had more neck.

It was a good start to the show and a good move for him in the competition because it showed that he isn't a male Rebecca, who can only stand and sing ballads.

Also, I was DELIGHTED when the crowd booed Simon after he tried to rain on Matt's parade and forced him to shut up. Simon's being an absolute shithead this series - he's talking crap and I've no respect for him or his opinions anymore. I wish him and Cheryl would fuck off to America so we could be done with them.

Cher - First of all, how ugly and chavvy did she look in that Grazia photo shoot?

I think there's something really ugly and Cheryl-esque about Cher's soul. She's got no respect and she's as fake and arrogant as they come. I thought Imagine was a terrible song choice - she obviously doesn't give a fuck about world peace and it was a cynical attempt to show her non-existent sweet and innocent side. It was an insincere, self-indulgent performance and her Mariah Carey-style vocal decorations completely didn't suit the song.

I was delighted it was announced that she was in the bottom two. I wish Louis had brought it to deadlock - even if Paije had gotten the fewest votes, it would have given her more of a scare and knocked some more cockiness out of her.

1 Direction - The backing track seemed a bit loud and Harry's voice was a bit weak, but nonetheless, 1 Direction have a winning formula. I love how they now have an order in which they stand, with Harry in the middle, Liam to his right, Niall to his left, and Louis and Zain the two tone-deaf book-ends.

It was a great, Glee-style arrangement of the song but it wasn't their best performance and Liam should have sang more.

Good, but I'd like to see more polish and greater cohesion in the group when they're performing.

Rebecca - ANOTHER. FUCKING. BALLAD. I kind of hate her... I dread her dreary performances just as much as I dread Katie's desperate ones. I can't comprehend how boring her album would be. I imagine it would be put in the section where you find whale sounds CDs...

I was happy that she got some negative feedback this week (it's been a looong time coming!). When she put her nervousness down to having to walk in her performance when she usually just stands, I was speechless - she is an anti-star.

Beyond beige - for me it was the worst performance of the night.

Mary - She was vocally secure and very much 'in' the performance but I thought it sounded dated and her presentation was a bit cheesy. I also wish she'd sing with more dynamics - she has a tendency to sing fortissimo the whole way through a song. (Well, she is "a big woman who loves to have big songs beltin' out of 'er"!)

I was happy that she got a big cheer and the judges were all complimentary towards her.

It wasn't quite as magical as her first two performances, but it was close.

Paije - Poor Paije! I thought it was not only his best performance in the competition but also the best performance of the night. Oh well, we all know the X Factor is about having a gimmick or an emotional hook and Paije was drama-free.

He was confident and controlled in the beginning of the song and his voice sounded rich in his lower register. It was a great vocal, even if he did get a bit sloppy near the end.

He was never going to win the competition but he deserved to stick around for another couple of weeks at least :(

Wagner - He is growing on me. I thought he gave the quote of the series when he said, "When you are singing, you enter another dimension which has only beauty" in his VT.

I LOL'd at Louis's head-bopping at the beginning of the song. I thought Wagner looked great in his Sergeant Pepper jacket and I loved the Austin Powers-like campness of the performance. What a gas man!

I honestly preferred him to all three of Cheryl's girls this week. Wagner is, at least, entertaining. I hope Cheryl's attack has boosted his popularity - if anyone needs to be put in their place, it's her.

Katie - I nearly choked when I saw her new hair. My brother (who doesn't follow X Factor) remarked that she looked like a "doll that had been burned a bit", and I must say, he was spot on! I think it was mostly to do with her clumped eyelashes. Her sack dress made her look like an orphan from Annie while the haircut made her look, dare I say it, a bit special needs.

In fairness to her, she sounded better than she has in weeks but it was a desperate, overly self-aware performance and I didn't enjoy it.

My dream bottom two would have been her and Rebecca, but hopefully she'll get the boot next week. At this stage she's like a rabid dog that needs to be shot.

And that brings my X Factor recap to an end! My favourites were 1) Paije, 2) Matt and 3) 1 Direction. As far as Sunday night's performances are concerned, I thought that Olly Murs was mediocre and his song was awful. (2002 called - it wants its sound back!).

Hope you enjoyed reading this!

xoxo, Robinita ;)

Super quick recap of last week's X Factor and my Simon Cowell-Katie Waissel conspiracy theory

Okay, so first of all, sorry for fecking off to Scandinavia without giving anyone a heads up! As fate would have it, I went away just before the most shambolic elimination of the series (so far). When I got the news that Katie had survived her fourth sing-off, I filled up with white hot anger; I had been led to believe that there would be a double elimination last week (by heatworld.com, the lying bastards) so I had thought Katie would be voted off and that Mary or Wagner would go with her. I am surprised that Aiden left the competition so early - I had thought he would place fifth or sixth overall and that his looks would have kept him out of the bottom two for a few more weeks. But alas, he is no more.

One of the first things I did when I got home from Oslo, was look up Aiden and Katie's sing-off performances. I thought Aiden gave a stirring rendition of Crowded House's Don't Dream It's Over and definitely didn't deserve to go after it. Meanwhile Katie sang I'd Rather Go Blind: part four and managed to stay standing for the entire song this time (seriously, how many near-identical, sing-off songs has she in reserve?)

As far as performances go, I thought that 1 Direction were the best. It was great to hear Harry sing - I've decided that he's the Robbie of the group and Liam's the Gary. Something About The Way You Look Tonight was a great song choice and it was a full-on, 90's-boyband, Christmas-number-one-sounding rendition of it. It was, to borrow an X Factor cliché, absolutely on the money. I also love love LOVED the black and white clips of them turning towards the camera in slow-motion; it was so gloriously, unashamedly boybandish!

I wasn't wowed by any of the other performances, though. Cher gave a competent but joyless performance of Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word/Mocking Bird, reverting to type with another mash-up, complete with rapping and hip-hop arm movements. Paije and Matt were both fine, if a bit off their game, while Aiden and Rebecca gave okay but boring performances. Mary was confident but sounded like a pub singer. Her rendition of Can You Feel De Love Tonight left me cold and, not bein' bad, bu' I t'ink she needs elocution lessons...

Wagner started off quite well with I'm Still Standing but things took a turn for the worst when he switched to singing The Circle of Life. I don't understand why certain acts always sing mash-ups this series - do their mentors think viewers don't have long enough attention spans to listen to the same song for two minutes? However, as farcical as Wagner's performance was, it wasn't quite as bad as Desperation Personified singing Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting. The song exposed Katie's vocal shortcomings (although with her small voice and small range, anything bigger than Baa Baa Black Sheep would reveal her vocal inadequacies). It was a losing performance and she should have been sent home after it.

Anyway, on to my theory why Katie Waissel is hanging on like a dried shite on a cow's arse. My theory is that Simon Cowell is keeping Katie in the competition because she is a no-hoper who poses no threat to his act and because while she is in the competition, the media will focus on her instead of boosting the profiles of other acts such as Cher and Matt who could potentially win the show.

Firstly, I don't believe Simon could actually like Katie; she is the type of act he would ordinarily decimate. With her kooky image and her musical pretensions the contestant who was most like her was Storm Lee - a person for whom Simon had nothing but contempt and to whom he dealt a fatal blow in the first live show by dubbing him a 'failed rockstar'.

Secondly, more than any other series, Simon has been the puppetmaster of this year's X Factor. He has been doing whatever he can to get his own way - criticising good acts while praising weak ones, and bigging up Katie Waissel despite her weak voice, her image problem, her identity crisis and the fact that the public and the press never have and never will like her. He gave John Adeleye the kiss of death when he talked about dogs mating instead of commenting on his singing (which was very good), while he has avoided critiquing Katie's last three weak performances; choosing instead to repeat the same old shite about how he likes her because she's 'fun' and 'different'. It's as if he thinks that by saying these things enough times, viewers will start thinking they are true. But is Simon so arrogant that he actually believes he can make the public like Katie? If so Katie Waissel is his 'fetch' because she is NOT going to happen. By keeping her in, he is not only damaging the show, he is ruining her chance of a career in the entertainment industry, as well as her life.

However, Simon's scheming could easily backfire on him, because while the majority of the public would have rathered Treyc stayed in the competition after Katie's third sing-off, Treyc was dull and no one really cared about her. With Aiden, however, it is a different story. He had real appeal and real fans and that he got sent home before Katie and Wagner is unjust and it has hurt the show. That an act should get to perform in four sing-offs is bad enough, but for an act to survive their fourth sing-off is insulting to the viewers. It is as if their votes count for nothing.

If the public turn on Cowell for not listening to them, as they should, his connection with 1 Direction could hurt their chances of winning. Ironically, 1 Direction deserve to win the competition and would have had a great chance of doing so without Cowell's foul play.

For me, this is the only explanation why Simon Cowell would push someone like Katie Waissel. It's possible that she is giving sexual favours but, while I have no doubt that she would drop to her knees in a split second if she thought it would further her career, I don't see why Simon would want her sucking him off when he already has Cheryl for that.

Anyhoo, that brings my mini recap of show 6 and my X Factor conspiracy theory to an end. I can't imagine Katie not being in the bottom two this Sunday and I can't imagine her surviving a sixth sing-off (though I didn't think she'd survive her third or her fourth).

I hope to God there's a double elimination and she gets the lowest votes - I don't know if I could handle I'd Rather Go Blind: part five...

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 5 & results

First of all, it wasn't a good show on Saturday. Matt had the only great performance of the night; Cher, Mary and Katie were all disappointing, while Rebecca and Treyc gave predictable performances. Meanwhile, Paije was better than usual and 1 Direction were, as always, a breath of fresh air .

Secondly, HOLY GOD! What an exciting sing-off! Yet again, Wagner escaped the bottom two and after Dermot called out his name, he kissed Louis and beamed out at the booing audience, looking like the cat who had gotten the cream (that tasted all the better because he didn’t deserve it). I was happy for Mary when Dermot announced she was the last act who was definitely through to next week. I hope that gave her the kick up the arse she needed. Anyhoo, on to the sing-off - how has Katie been saved for a third time?! I don’t think that has ever happened before on the show. I’d say Simon and Louis voted to keep Katie in the competition because she gets a lot of press and the show would be a lot less interesting for the tabloids if this year’s ‘villain’ was knocked out so early. (According to Now Magazine, she is 'stalking' Matt and she is allegedly bullying Cher, 1 Direction and even her mentor Cheryl!). However, it’s clear that they’ve only delayed the inevitable; the public clearly don’t like Katie and it would be taking the piss if the judges saved her for a fourth time. Personally, I feel very sorry for the girl. Every time she’s in the bottom two it seems to take an awful toll on her and I imagine she’ll leave this show a very damaged person. I would have liked her to be sent home for her own sake – she clearly wants fame but I think her appearance on the show has destroyed any chance she had of having a successful singing career. Her desperation makes me very uncomfortable and I think she badly needs to re-think her life and where she is heading in it. (This concludes the Dr.Phil-style section of this post).

In the style war between Cheryl and Dannii, there was no stand-out winner on Saturday night; Cheryl’s hair and make-up were nice, but I wasn’t a fan of her hairband, while Dannii looked fine but a bit harsh in my opinion. The heavy eyeliner made her eyes look piercing and cold. The colour of her dress was nice but it washed her out a little. I liked the shiny satin material but I thought the giant bow detail was a bit twee. Sunday was a better night for Cheryl; I thought she looked really well in her nude off-the-shoulder dress, and her hair and make-up were refreshingly understated. It’s easy to forget that Chezza is a natural beauty. Meanwhile, Dannii’s Sunday night dress was a black, shoulderless, non-event (albeit, a beautifully fitted non-event) but her hair and make-up were both lovely.

Anyhoo, on to the performances…

Cher – A bit cheesy and embarrassing. The quarter-pipe on stage with dancers on BMX’s was all a bit much, and everything from the set, to the styling, to the actions of Cher and the dancers was very try-hard and horrifically wiggerish. I agree with Simon that it was a copycat performance. However, she did look better than usual – her hair was thankfully more compact than it's been in a while and whoever painted on her eyebrows deserves a medal. But brows aside, it was a big step down from last week.

Also on Saturday night’s Xtra Factor (yes, I am that sad I watched it) she was such a freak! She acted like she was Jay-Z (or some other arsehole rap superstar) and didn't make eye-contact with Konnie Huq, like she's above talking to her. When Konnie asked her how she felt about Simon Cowell's critical comments, she just nodded her head and looked off into space, with her jaw clenched and her hands in her pockets and then in a creepy, slow, American-sounding voice she said, "I think I needed a kick up the buuuuut." There is something Aiden-esque about her weirdness - like she has ADD or something... Anyway, to cut a long story short, she's a shit bitch!

Mary – Very disappointing. She was shaky from the first note and she had problems with timing and diction. I thought it was hilarious when she sang the word strength with the most pronounced ‘t’ sound at the end and not the smallest hint of a ‘h’. She needs to knock it out of the park next week or she won’t make the top 6, never mind the final show.

Katie – For me the worst performance of the night. She couldn’t reach all of the notes and it’s not even a challenging song. Styling was strange. Did she (finally) get her roots done or was it a wig? Why was there a clip of her in a silk dressing gown with mascara running down her face? Katie’s a mess of a person – she seems to have no idea of who she is. She wants fame but it seems that she is willing to pay any price to get it. Like, I can definitely see her selling her soul to the Devil or spreading her legs at a casting couch.

Aiden – Not as bad as his rendition of Thriller, but then the Holocaust wasn’t that bad. He was as spazzy as ever, though and he also sang a Sinéad O’Connor song on American Anthems week! I know it was written by Prince, but couldn’t he and Dannii have found a song that was more quintessentially American? The themes are constantly being disregarded this year – maybe they should stop having them. Vocally, he was fairly poor, but I liked his hair down and the fact he didn’t look as demonic as usual. I hated the ridiculously good comments he received. All in all, it was a fairly shit performance, but he's done worse.

Paije – Good song choice. The Monkee’s I’m A Believer and Outkast’s Hey Ya mixed well and while I’m a bit sick of mash-ups on the show (thanks to Cher and Wagner), I liked it. That said, he did cock up the lyrics of Hey Ya! While it was his best performance to date, I still don’t think Paije is a star. Even though he’s a nice guy, his personality is bland and one-dimensional and I don’t believe that he wants to win as much as some of the other acts. Also, him pretending to be straight on Xtra Factor was very cringey. Like, I had never really thought about his sexuality before but the second he said that the best thing about America was “fast food, fast cars and fast women” I knew that he was 100% gay.

Rebecca – Boring. She looked well in her shiny, silver gown but, yet again, she stood still throughout her performance and looked like an Oscar statuette. It was an unimaginative song choice, especially as Make You Feel My Love was already sung on this series by Anastasia "I'm going to take my shoes off and sing from my heart" Baker on her first audition. Rebecca’s like Leona Lewis – ie. dull as ditchwater - but without her jaw-dropping vocal range. She is also, without a doubt, this year’s most over-praised contestant. No one ever mentions that she’s a one-trick pony and a poor performer. They talk her up like she’s going to be this year’s winner, but with a personality that bland she’s going to finish third at best.

Wagner – Better than usual and not the worst of the night. I actually didn’t think he deserved to go this week and I would rather have sat through his performance a second time than have sat through Katie’s or Aiden’s (maybe even Mary’s, for that matter).

Matt – I will take points away because he sang The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face at boot camp, but regardless, it was a stunning performance and easily the best of the night. When I heard the story behind why he sang The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face, my heart melted and I feel like I understand Matt now. He’s a lovely guy, he’s just shy.

Treyc – It was her best performance since Whole Lotta Love but she shouldn’t sing ballads because, quite simply, she has no emotions.

I was surprised, but not sad, to see her go tonight. The little bitch should have listened to Dannii instead of giving her back attitude.

1 Direction – A little bit messy, but Liam’s vocals were great as always and they embraced the theme of the night and ended the show on a good note. They’re a lovely bunch of lads – I want them to win! They’re loveable, handsome, fun and they’re the only act that has the whole package. 1 Direction FTW! They are, literally, the only act that I look forward to seeing this year. They make me smile like Jedward made me smile in the last series. (Also, my mam fancies Harry LOADS. She singles him out every time 1 Direction perform. “My God, every time I look at Harry he’s gotten better looking. Like, I know I should think it’s great that there are people my age on this show, but really you can’t beat the young ones and their looks.”)

My favourites this week were 1) Matt, 2) 1 Direction and 3) Paije. I want Katie out! She was so shit this week. If she is in the bottom two again next week she HAS to go.

Anyhoo, that's all I have to say about this week's X Factor. Oh yeah, Shayne Ward was meh but hot, and Kylie was a sexy bitch on Sunday night!

Xoxo, Robinita ;)

X Factor: Mah verdict on show 4 & results

First of all, this week's show was thankfully much, much better than last week's. Simon was in much better form, several acts upped their game and Louis didn't say anything excruciatingly gauche.

In terms of style, neither Dannii nor Cheryl looked great on Saturday. Cheryl had horrible, encrusted, Christmas bauble earrings, and her dress was the most hideous one she's worn so far this series. White here-are-my-boobs bustier: bad; netting: bad; pleated PVC skirt: BAD. It was also so short it was vulgar. In short, she couldn't have looked cheaper had she bought her entire outfit in Penneys with a budget of €30. That said, on Sunday she looked the best she has all series. Her deep violet top looked great with her bright pink satin skirt and her hair and make-up were both lovely. Meanwhile, the red dress Dannii wore on Saturday was fine but too bulky and her hair, while cool in itself, was too young for her and wasn't flattering. However, on Sunday she looked nothing short of incredible. Her hair, her make-up and her glittering, one-shouldered gown were all perfect - bravo!

Now on to the music. Mary opened the show and it was nice to see her get into the spirit of the week's theme by sporting red devil horns. The performance was a bit cheesy and dated but her vocals were good and fair play to her for getting out of her comfort zone and doing something up-tempo.

Aiden - ABSOLUTELY SHIT. He took a much-loved, dancefloor classic and sucked the life out of it. He's a one-trick pony who gives every song the same, dreary treatment. I'd say MJ was spinning in his grave - it was just fucking awful!

My least favourite performance of the night (not counting Wagner). Also, when he smiles, babies die.

Bella Amie - They looked well and I enjoyed it when they came out of the coffins, but despite the freaky costumes, it was a pedestrian performance.

A boring group that added nothing to the competition and that should have been voted off in week one. They shan't be missed.

Rebecca - There's no denying that she's improving but she's still not there. She lacks personality and presence; she was too shy to look at the crowd or make love to the camera and it let down her overall performance. Personally, I find her shyness irritating - she gets ridiculously positive comments from all four judges every week and she somehow still doesn't believe in herself. Every week, she says the same fucking thing about how she THINKS she's getting more confident and how she's STARTING to enjoy performing. Grr! Even Leona had more bite than this limp bitch.

That said, a very good vocal.

Matt - Boring. He does the same thing every week - picks a song for a high voice (usually by a female artist), gives it the Damien Rice, bleeding heart treatment and then finishes by going into his falsetto voice and wailing.

Though a good singer, I think he's limited and his personality is dull beyond belief. His vocal range and his biceps will probably take him to the finals, though.

Wagner - The definition of WTF. He looked like the phantom of the opera sans mask and he began his performance by 'singing' O Fortuna, but I really didn't give a shit. I'm fed of him and I'm pissed off at the idea of people voting for him to be ironic.

I was delighted when the crowd started booing when Dermot announced he was through to next week. If Jedward got booed then this pointless tool deserves to be booed too. (In the words of my mother, "What does he think he'll get out of doing this? He won't even get a Chico Time").

Paije - He's a nice guy and he's got a fairly good voice but Paije lacks a vital ingredient (I believe it's called the x factor...). The more demure look suited him but his performances are samey and he has an intrinsic mehness that makes me sometimes forget he's still in the competition.

Katie - A very Gaga-inspired look which I thought was incongruent with the kitschy song. I thought her voice was husky and weak and the performance was very similar to the one she gave last week (a song from a 1960s Disney film then a song from a 1960s TV show; dancers with saxophones at whom she shouted 'Come on, boys!' before giving a husky fake laugh; low-energy, Charleston-esque dancing).

A flimsy performance but not deserving of the bottom two. Hopefully, her and Cheryl will go back to the drawing board and opt for raw, emotive songs over kooky fluff.

1 Direction - They let Niall sing and he knocked his 'turn around's out of the park! I liked the red, eye make-up and I really enjoyed it when the beat kicked in at the chorus. I thought the song could have really 'gone off' and they could have done something really dramatic, like all dropped to their knees which would have made the performance properly amazing, but the vocals were good and, astonishingly, Zain's one line was completely in tune!

The second best performance of the night.

Cher - A very smart move and an excellent song choice. The vocal wasn't perfect but she emoted when she sang and she was the only act to move me this week with their performance. She reminded me of the Wicked Witch of the West and the lighting was dramatic and effective. The set was sparse and it was a refreshingly simple production for the usually 'more is more' performer.

I was glad she dropped her cocky front and showed some vulnerability and I hope she sings more and raps less in future. The best of the night.

(The quote of the evening came from my mother and was about Cher. "I'd say she had sex when she was ten. Y'know, she seems so ahead of her years. I'd say she was in the fields with the fellas...").

Oh, look at that - I forgot about Treyc. That says it all, really. I thought her vocals were screechy and her performance was forgettable. Also, the black lipstick was a mistake as it drew attention to her gums and gappy smile.

Who is this woman? Who, outside her family, would feel compelled to vote for her?

Okay, so there you have it - that was my recap of the this year's fourth live X Factor show. My favourites this week were 1) Cher and 2) One Direction, with honourable mentions going to Mary and Rebecca.

I hope two go next week, preferably Wagner and Treyc.